I went there around 6.30pm. Ceremony was at 8.30pm. I went there with my cousin. She is still educating in the high school. Next year she will be the senior class. Another purpose for me to go to the ceremony was a promise that I gave more than a year ago. I promised to my ex-girlfriend to attend her graduation ceremony... I'm glad that I went there yesterday. The only problem here is that we broke up 2 months ago when she sent me an e-mail with very harsh accusations towards me. Since then we never spoke or communicated each other anyway. I came back on May 4th and for one month I never saw her or communicated her due to the last e-mail I received. For the sake of the old times I went to the graduation ceremony yesterday. Since I went 2 hours before the ceremony I had a chance to see her before the ceremony. I thought I could talk to her and wish her goodluck with whatever is an her life-path. I never thought or realised that seeing her in flesh few meters away from me would make me feel so confused, troubled, sad, and emotional. When our eyes met I couldn't walk up to her and automatically walked away from her. I hoped she didn't realise that I did that on purpose... I really don't care if she did... After all she said and done I really don't care about this little detail... Attending the ceremony should be far more enought after the things we experinced... My eyes were full after walking away from her and I am really glad that I had a large dark sun-glasses to cover up those emotions from others. I went somewhere up so that I can see all the senior people getting ready and no one would realise that I am looking at them especially her... Finally at 8pm they were called to take graduating class photo. I went to the anfi-theater and found nearly 30 friends that graduated with me last year. I had a chance to chat with them and calm down... Worst part was that the last thing I ate was a silly lunch and I am glad that I didn't faint right there... I felt more emotions due to my empty stomach. Ceremony took nearly 3 hours. Long boring speeches before calling everyone name by name to hand their diplomas. When the principal called her name and the big screen showed her photo I felt nothing... no joy, no sadness... seeing her there getting her diploma should be something that made me really happy but after all there I was seeing her there and feeling nothing good or bad... My mind stopped working so that the visual information sent from my eyes had no feelings or thoughts inside my head. After the ceremony there was a reception where small cakes and drinks distributed without any price. I went to the reception and stood close to my friends. I had some food but not much. I lost my appetite after seeing her. I felt so tired and unenergetic. I decided that it was time for me to leave. I said farewell to my friends and to my cousin and went to the car. I drove to the ferry boat. I texted her wishing good luck and farewell. I wrote to her that I came to her ceremony as I promised her previously. When I was in line for the ferry boat my cousin called me. She told me that my ex-gf came to her and asked where I was. I felt weird again. So she did see me there... Apart from seeing me she saw that I ran away when I had the chance to speak to her in person... When I hung up the phone my ex replied my text. She thanked me for coming and she added that she would prefer if I didn't run away like that... She knew it all... I had to think a lot before replying her. I had to find something clever to get out of this situation. I couldn't told her the truth because if I told her that I couldn't trust my feelings and thats why I ran away like that she would try to get close to me again. I couldn't let that happen, not after all we've experienced together. Couldn't bare to start all over again. SO instead I told her that I didn't understand what she ment by saying running away like that. I tried to show her that I didn't see her... I know she is smart enough not to believe in it but still. I added in my reply that it is her day to be happy and start a new life. Her last reply for the night was the most shocking thing for yesterday. She told me that there are things I do not understand about that last e-mail I received from her. The e-mail that made me so sad nearly 2 months ago... She also told me that she would explain it some time later this week through a text message or an e-mail. So weird... Her last e-mail was way too clear for missunderstandings... I am afraid to hear what is with this last e-mail that I need to know. Whatever that is something is certain... That is being together is not even an option for us... We harmed each other too much to start over. I can't forget what is done. Thats why I walked away yesterday before the ceremony when I had a chance to speak to her. I was way afraid of my feelings and the probability of getting back with her... Wounds that she created on my heart are still to fresh... I really don't think that I am ready to get any more of those wounds from her or from anyone else. Thats why I can't fall in love... all to protect from what is left of a heart...
Right now it is 19:34 and it is the day after the ceremony and she did not contact me to explain that e-mail yet... I am curious and afraid at the same time...
Date: 06.16.09
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