...

DONE!!!

Choices made!

Roads chosen!

happy (!) Valentines

I had the worst day of this year for sure. I hope this will be the worst day for this year and I won't have to go anything worst. I really had belief that I would be punished with only a warning since it was my first time. I shaved, wore suit and shirt. I was respectful and tried my best to be brief and real. I made it out of the room as soon as the hearing ended. Went outside far away where no one can see me and then I just couldn't keep them anymore. cried slowly, without any sounds. felt really bad. after i pulled my self together I went to the office of the dean as I was instructed to see the secretary once more after. I just went into her office.when i was explaining the meeting i just couldn't stop my tears again. talked to her for 45 mins and tears never ended. she really listened and made me feel better. she asked questions, she cared... it just felt so good to be listened, to see in someone else's eyes that you are worth something. After leaving her office i directly went to the office of the registrar and took an academic counselling. I learned what my options are. The worst part is that this is my last chance to get out of the academic probation or I will be suspended for a year. after the counselling i lost the sense of feelings... all gone... no one knows how much effort i am putting into my academics this year, no one cares. i havent given up. I'll still do whatever I can but i just lost the feelings after the double meetings. all gone, left with an empty feeling, a cold one. when i returned to roy ivor, i put a fake smile on my face and did one thing that i can do best, swallowed everything deep inside... what a valentines... midterm on wednesday only makes things better... 9.40pm and still no feelings, listening to the music, the headache became a part of my thinking by now. i don't notice it unless i think about it... worst of all i wanna be lonely, all alone, just study, no fun, no pets, no friends, no plants, no happiness, only study, just study... everything lost it's meaning.

1.27am

First time attending a UTM pub. I feel good. Feels good before my 3 midterms which are coming next term. I am drunk but as usual I haven't lost control. I drank 2 glasses of Italian caluca %38, 3 glasses of beer and 3 glasses of tequila shot. After all these drinking I know I am drunk but still under control. I never had a time where I blocked out. I asked V who is driving her home. She said Eric, I hope he didn't drink that much and he drives her safely. I'll stay till the end and make sure she gets a ride back. It is 1.33 am now and I feel thirsty.

torture in the night...

For a very long time I am seeing dreams where I have different pets with me and I have to get rid of them quickly. Last night I saw that I had bunch of small dogs. There was someone else which I can't remember the identity. That person was slamming the dogs against a wall before tossing them to the sea. At the end I could only manage to hide one hamster and one dog. Sad because I am seeing many variations of these pet cases every time I sleep. Just sad.