Bleeding...

So weird, my nose started bleeding intensely. can't stop it. had to stuff tissue paper. weird.

27 OCT 2010

Today I turned 21... seems like its been way too long and I've seen the most of what life has to offer. Seems really funny when I say it like this. 21 is nothing when compared to being even a grownup. In some countries they even accept people as adults after 21.

So far I am really grateful with life and all that I have and I don't have. I pray for the health and happiness of my family and all my loved ones. Through the years I've lived I learned one thing: that life is nothing if u don't feel happy. Even if you are rich, that doesn't help. Nothing can hold the place of a good friend, a companion. Life would be unbearable without them. Funny when we think that we know everything, experienced everything... So far I've tasted love, feeling n needing so badly for a single smile upon her face; thought I would do anything for her. Lost my line of thought and taste of life thinking about someone else. Tasted the bitter taste of loving someone without anything in return. Even helped my loved one with her love... So painful, yet couldn't bare seeing her the way she was. Wanting to help her with all my heart; a heart which no longer beats for me. Finally time healed what is left of the fire. Another two years have past so that it can restore itself. Now I look back and say that it was a different experience. Where you can love and hate someone so badly that it becomes addictive. Funny to see that I am once again ready to let my heart free of it's chains. I know that I am gonna burn once again but I really want to; and I need to. It's been just too long since my heart didn't beat for anyone else. My eyes haven't tasted anyone else's. My hands wanting to explore. I wanna burn once again... Feel comfy. I guess I have to trust once again, so hard to accomplish once its been mistrusted but necessary for a new beginning. I wanna swim in the blinding see of love, feel its warmth, and taste its bitter sweetness once and for all. As I leave one other year behind I am wishing the health of my loved ones and a person who I can trust and be together. Feels nice to know I am not alone; I can share anything without thinking any consequences. Love I beg u, come and surround me. I beg for u to change the beat of my heart... Wish is made, candles blown, finders crossed, and satellites turned on for any opportunities.

With every passing year my responsibilities seems to increase. I don't know what to make of this. Its nice to be able to stand on my own feet. I want to work soon. I want to experience different things with different people. For the first time in my life I've become an uncle. I wish her health and good fortune. I hope she turns out to be a really special person. It is scaring me to see that as the new members start to come into the family old ones seems to pack their belongings... Just to sad to know that one day I may not be able to see, speak, or cry on their shoulders. Life is a cycle and once u are done with ur role u leave it for the new comers. I hope nothing bad happens soon and the order is not broken.

This year more than 100 people congratulated my birthday on facebook, some e-mailed, and few called, even fewer came to see me. I can't tell how happy I've felt. Even thought our paths are separated with many of my high school friends we can still keep in touch electronically.

I am not gonna write anything in person. I just wish that everything goes well.

"All is well."

Cinar.

love...

really warming feeling to observe love...

doesn't have to be a human, just now I saw love from my cutieee...

Sunday Nights...

The worst day of the week for the majority of people since it is the last day of weekend. People who work start a new long week on monday and students who study start a new week as well. I guess only jobless people and babies have the comfort of not caring about whether or not it is sunday. Monday is the most loaded day for me fence I have a really high tendency of not liking sundays. Actually it doesn't really matter for me since I know how to make fun in many situations. If you are obligated to do something, then instead of complaining about it and making the situation harder to solve and get over with I always try to see the funny side of the situations. I guess it helps in many cases. Whatever, if it is Sunday today soon I will see thursday and friday. What really matters is how I spend the time that passes in between. Last friday I got a dwarf mouse and I named it 'ASKIM' which means 'my love'. I found it so cute but I am not sure about the gender yet. Doesn't really matter anyways. It is only active when I get it out of its cage. Apart from that it always sleeps. Kind of sucks. It was the smallest one that they had so I don't know if it gets more active later on. I hope it does... My family found it cute too. I don't think V liked it tht much but I remember her response to the geckos at first. Always so pre-judice against animals. I just love nearly all of them. I also have 3 beta fish. I love taking care of animals. I feel like they colour my mood whenever I need a push. I can either play with them or in the case of the fish I can just feed or observe them. It is really likely that I will have either a cat or a dog when I have my own job and my work. I know looking after animals really teaches so much. It teaches how to give love without anything back in return. If you can manage to spread love without asking any in return then you will get love plus you will not be down easily. It also teaches responsibility for sure. Looking after them and petting them and caring for them and taking them to the vet when they are sick is essential things that adds to our personalities. If I have enough time and money I will surely wanna look after some different animals... Actually as much as I can =)... I hope my mate and whoever I live with won't have anything to say against this because I am not gonna change, or hopefully not gonna change in this sense. I want my kids to grow up with pets. Well too much talking for a blog named Sunday, enough about pets. Only bad thing about Sunday nights for me is the work load that has to be covered before turning off the lights. Usually depending on the calendar you are on the work load varies but there is usually something that must be done for the week. In many cases there is some kind of event that takes up the time that you could have spent doing the job at hand. That is the most common problem we students face every week. This week I had a lot of reading to catch up since I have my midterm on wednesday but it didn't happen yet. There is still some time before I turn off my lights so I am hoping to catch up with at least 1 or 2 chapters of the textbook. Well well, many things that can be said about this day and obviously I love writing my thoughts down for future but I really believe I should get started with my reading NOW, instead of cramming the last minute...

A month gone and only 3 months left...

Time passes very quickly. It's been like yesterday that I only arrived here but one month went down the loo. Well so far so good. Academic wise I have no problem dealing the task at hand. Got some cool stuff for my room and finally it looks awesome. Today I had a meeting with the Best Buddies program. I guess it went well. It was more like a getting to know volunteers better. Soon I will be matched with a disabled person. I hope it brings good experience and I could be helpful to that person. I know everything will work out just fine. Only problem that I have currently is with my best friend. She is just too busy and I can't see her a lot. Probably only twice a week and we can't really do much. I understand her and her choices but still I would appreciate if I had more part in her life. For the first time in my life since I came to Canada I feel there is a distance between us. All I want is to chill once a week which I believe is quite reasonable... Lets see. I am done telling what I believe and thts tht. I can't push myself to her life if she doesn't want to. Guess relationships have their life times and sometimes these distances occur. Lets see I hope we'll be better soon. I am getting more responsibility this term and I will be quite occupied since my essays and exams have already started. I should add that this year is the year that I felt so good and healthy. I've met with more people since I live on campus. I can also see my old friends quite often. I am in the same classes with some of them. Mondays are killer for me; I start @ 9am and I am done @9.30pm. Apart from tht I guess I have no other loaded days. I am off fridays which is awesome. Next term I have something else on fridays... Love is still pending; guess there still is some time for me to meet the one. I have the patience... I hope I don't have to wait a lot though. I am happy that my family is healthy as well. I was just on the phone with her. It is 1.15am and she is returning home from a party... Seems funny when u think about it. She can't spend 2 hours with me but she has time to spend and come back late... Whatever... so be it... Everyone chooses their own destination with their choices and I should learn to respect everyones free choices. Who ever remains at the end of the day by your side is the people you should carry on with. Hopefully there will always someone besides you or life becomes really hard to bear. At least it is nice to know tht you will have your family at all times besides you. I see nightmares just too often nowadays and can't understand y... I usually don't remember my dreams but this week nearly every single day I saw something horrible. It just takes my energy at the morning I must say and I can't get a good night sleep. I hope this times passes. The thing is I am not stressed at all but maybe I know that I have just too much to do and this year there are just too many things at sake. I really need to raise my GPA or I have to drop out. I really wanna get my degree and continue with the life journey. I need a companion that I can rely all the time. Someone closer than the closest friend... Someone who will have the time whenever I need them. I am already ready to listen and care for that person... Sometimes there are things that you want to share with only very special people. Sometimes you want to put your head into someone's shoulder and drop all your guards; just relax... Knowing that during that time that person will take care of you and you can actually take a nice breath without any worries. Wouldn't that be really nice to find someone like that. I believe everyone needs to find someone that they can trust with their lives and that person should be really special. It should be someone you can share all your secrets without any doubts. Someone who will listen to you in all cases and someone who will never be prejudice about the things you do or say. It is really hard to live without de-charging. There has to be someone to charge your batteries. Someone that will stand by you no matter what. Yes, kind of impossible and maybe it is. Being perfectionist is really harmful but if you don't aim for %100 then how are you supposed to hit it. If you wait for a miracle then you just have to be damn lucky. I am someone who believes that we create our own chances and lucks. it is the way we perceive the world and our surroundings which creates the options that are before us. I also believe that we are a sort of energy and we attract not only people with the energy that we spread but also events as well. If our energy is too low or it is negative then it is silly to expect someone really helpful or positive. Whatever we radiate outside comes back to us. A smile will return to us as something positive. One help we do will benefit us one day when we really need it. Lets see I spat just too much for one blog and these things are all related but I think it is just too much for one night. If I am happy and positive everything around me will shape accordingly... Spread love to humans, animals and plants; it will all return back to u when u most need it...