One Sentence...

I want it to end...

Date: 04.29.09

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CRESTIES...

Date: 04.28.09

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Lies...

I am going through many different feelings lately... It is the end of the year and I have lots to do and only few days. Two major finals, moving into a new place, packing up, paying my tuition fee, etc... When there is too much to do and no time to do those things which are necessary in your life; you start getting squished under the heavy load. Then you start thinking about things you never would think in a normal daily life. Morals & ethics become questionable... Sometimes you have to lie in order to protect something bigger. Sometimes you have no choice but to protect yourself... The huge mistakes tht you've made. When tht time comes you are left with few or no options... You have to decide quickly, the decisions tht you are about to make might and most probably will haunt you down and hurt in one way or the other. When I am left with no option but to lie I feel sick in the stomach. Once you tell a lie, you have to make many more lies in order to protect your sin. If any how those lies reveal then you are doomed. You will loose all your trust and credits. Big lies comes with big consequences. You have to spend too much time and effort trying to create a lie and protect it. How far can you go like this. Something will feel terribly wrong deep inside. When your inner voice starts to haunt you, you will feel regret. Therefore once we are left with an option to tell a huge lie that can ruin our lives we have to consider all sides before taking an action. If we fail to calculate all possible consequences than we might end up suffering for what we've done.

There are other types of lies. These lies mean no harm or falsify anything. Only goal for these lies are to protect others or courage others. These are called white lies. These lies are used only to prevent the other person for feeling down and miserable. For instance you see your friend with new clothes, she seems very excited and eager to share it with you. When she asks how you found the new dress you might have to lie. You might find the dress very annoying and ugly but instead you tell her tht she looks very pretty in her new clothes. This lie means no harm but to protect the happiness of the girl. 

In this short period of time I had a chance to consider about lie... The reason for it is something which happened today. I had to make the decision once again. I am terribly sorry tht it was not a case whether or not to choose a white lie. I am not quite sure if I am to make tht lie. I have never felt so trapped in my life. Being hopeless makes humans do awful things. I have too much to loose if the lie reveals. If I choose not to lie than I will be in a severe situation where I am no longer trusted. God help me make the right decision... Everything in this life is for humans;  us. From every mistake we learn something very sacred. That lesson I gained today is a kind of lesson where you can never learn in a classroom. I am so scared of what is to come next... I hate to lie but sometimes I have no better option. Whatever happens next, I learned a very valuable lesson and will never put myself into this position again. If I choose to lie I hope I can forgive myself for this cruel sin. I will try my best to avoid making it...

Miracles do exist... They happen when you least expect them...

Maybe... maybe... maybe.......

Date: 04.27.09

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Date: 04.25.09
Cnr...

Benim Hala Umudum Var...

benim hala umudum var
isyan etsem de istediğim kadar
inat etsem bile bırakmazlar sahibim var
benim hala umudum var
seviyorlar bazen soruyorlar
hayran hayran seyret
ister katıl ister vazgeç

güzel günler bizi bekler
eyvallah dersin olur biter
boyun büküp önünde ağlasam sessizce
şu garip gönlüm affolur mu?
bu fırtına durulur mu?
benden adam olur mu?
korkarım aşka zararım dokunur mu?

elvada sana yeter tamam
bitsin artık bu dram bu fotoroman
ham meyvayız hala
koparmışlar dalımızdan
güzel günler bizi bekler
eyvallah dersin geçer gider
bıraksam kendimi
şöyle oh ne rahat
bu da geçer gülüm
yaşamana bak
alınacak dersler var
sorulacak sorular
bu da geçer gülüm bizden bu kadar

Date: 04.24.09
Mazhar Alanson...

Craving for Change...

Change is really important in ones life. People can make mistakes; or even they don't they might wanna change something which they believe is not going on track. Change therefore is the only hope.

I feel that there are many things in my life that needs changing... Most probably I should re-born one morning. Starting a new page in my life. I wish one morning when I wake up I feel different... Put everything back on track...

Realising tht I am going back to darkness as each day passes, feelings which I hoped to dissapeared last year sometimes remind me tht they are still a part of me. Thts why I am craving for change... I dunno if I can do it alone... I don't even know if I can ever do it. Knowing my weak sides well, I am feeling scared. I know tht I can't resist anymore. I am hurting myself once again and going to darkness slowly. I have to change this or soon I will no longer be...

Date: 04.24.09
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Nearly there...

All these times I've wanted some sort of pet other than turtle, fish, or bird. All my life I had one of those and they didn't last very long due to my mistakes. Other thing is I never had the chance to take them on my hand and love n play with them...

Birds - Probably the best three of all. You can tame them to stay on your sholder. You can grab them and gently rub their head. But thats all. They will quickly get bored and start biting you and fly away...

Turtles - Once you try to touch them or handle them they will get in their hard skin covering and no fun at all. Even when they are tame I see no other avantage in them. They move so slowly that you have to be very patient to observe them...

Fish - The worst of all three in my opinion. You can never handle a fish. Never play with them. They are only to observe. You have to clean their place often and make sure the water is well oxygenated...

• All three will die quickly if you are to forget them for few days; as a reward you get to clean their cage and feed them properly...

I am nearly there meaning after all these times I am so near to getting a pet other than these 3. A pet which I can hold and play... I am so close to getting a crested gecko... I already reserved mine in the webpage. Cute creatures are ON HOLD now on the available page. Completely in LOVE...

Date: 04.22.09

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Sometimes...

Sometimes I have this feeling or maybe the thought... When I think on it for a while I realise that I am just dreaming... probably the impossible. I connect all the dots and they lead me to the inevitable. The solid thing is I am just making it all in my mind... related to reality?? So how come it is all in my mind... I guess it is all about my senses. I sense a lot of things from my surroundings. These may lead into huge misconceptions at times. Sometimes I find myself thinking hard without any solution to this late changes in me. All I know is when I am in that situation time passes quickly. I guess this summer which is so close now will help me settle down everything I fail to decide.


Sometimes I feel I am a stranger to myself. What I thought never would happen sometimes does... Sometimes the feelings I thought to have faded long ago seem to surface. To much to figure out.


Sometimes... Sometimes... Sometimes...

Date: 04.22.09
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12 days left... count down soon =)=)...

I just realised that I have only 12 days left for my flight back. Feels weird a lot going back. It is not like the one in new years eve when I returned for the first time. I got used to it now. I can say that it is not as exciting as the first time. This time I am leaving for 4 months and have to do a lot before I get on that plane. The apartmant move in day is not certain yet. I need to make sure that I have a place to move my stuff on May 1st. They are kicking me off residence May 1st, 11:30 am... I got a lot of stuff to carry. Bad part is I haven't start packing up yet. I've got to study for my 2 finals coming up on 28th and 30th... How sweet... I've arranged a small van to help me transport mine and my friends stuff on date to the new place. The good part is I have only 9 days to finish up with my finals... Unfortunately same day to say bye to V... I guess we all will have a pleasant summer and be back ready to start a new academic year... New hopes, new goals and who knows maybe new loves...

Date: 04.21.09
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HAYAT...

Hayat ne garip şey... Öyle de hızlı geçiyor ki... Kaçımız yaşarken hayattan keyif almayı başarabiliyoruz. Kaçımız yaşadığımız şu anın kıymetini biliyor ve ne olursa olsun aynısının olamayacağının farkında. Günde kaç kere kendimizi ve çevremizdekileri küçük ve saçma şeylerle kırıyor ve üzüyoruz. Açık havada derin bir nefes aldığımızda kaçımız haz duyabiliyoruz. Kısacası geçen bugünlere yazık oluyor.

Oysaki şu yaşantımızda bir durabilsek. Hayat asla durmaz, evet, ama sen bir dur. Hayat gene kendi bildiği gibi hırçın ve acımasız akar, gider. Onu durduramayız ama kendi yaşantımızda bir ara versek... Dursak ve baksak hayatımıza. Şu zor soruyu sorsak kendimize... Mutlu muyum? Kaçımız dürüstçe evet diyebilir... Kendimizi dinlemeyi öylesine unuttuk ki biz bu hayatta. Kendimizi nelere adadık. Para, iş, hırs... Ne zaman farkına varacağız o kazandığımız paraları keyfiyle değerlendirecek zamanımızın ve ruh halimizin kalmadığını. Herşeyi gerektiğince yapsak ve kendimize, hobilerimize zaman ayırsak; hem mutlu hemde hayatımızda çok daha başarılı olacağız, burası kesin... Bunun için diyorum ya durdurun şu yaşantınızı, ve sorun şu korkakça sakladığınız soruları... Kendinizle yüzleşin ki hayatla yüzleşebilesiniz...

Odamdayım, hala önümde uzun ve bilmeceli bir yol... Farkındalıkla keyifle ve dengeyle bir hayat yaşamak benim elimde... ya sizin???

Date: 04.20.09

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My Dream...

After so many months I've seen a very nice dream finally. It might be due to the fact that I am done with my BIO153 final and the next on is a week from now. Also yesterday I bought the cage that I was planning for so long.

In my dream I saw something related to a real memory of mine. In that memory I was probably around 9 years old. Me, my cousin and my grandfather was seating in the back living room of his house. He had his old, long rifle in his hand. He showed us the gun and told stories about the rifle. He told how he used to go on hunting animals when he was a small kid. Comicly by mistake once he fired the gun at home and blew a huge portion of the ceiling. =)=)=) Me and my cousin sat there next to him, listening his memories with the rifle. After he went me and my cousin discussed who will have the rifle. It was very funny that we argued on it as if he offered any of us. We were so small and had the influence of guns from TV or so that we really argued that time...

Coming to my dream last night... I have to accept that it is the most weird one I've ever recalled. First dream that continued from a real memory of mine. The place where the dream took place and the events were so amazingly clear... In my dream nothng supersticious happened. I was looking just the same and I was in my own room in the dream. I was handling the rifle. Although the rifle wasnt the same one from my memory. It was shining and brand new... I was holding the rifle with the knowledge that it belonged to my grandpa who passed away in 2003. I was really happy to have it. It wasnt a rifle for me, it was a peace of him, the person whom I loved as my father... Having a piece of something tht belonged to him honoured me at most. First time I felt emotions so vivid in a memory. And woke up smiling and crying slowly... First time a dream related to a real memory of mine from my past... so weird... so nice... coming to think about it all... I know as each day passes I am missing him more... time doesnt heal this time... I know sooner or later I will see him again, and be with him forever... I guess I am going to do a blog on my memories of my grandpa and I.

More than a month ago I changed my msn name to yak between two hearts. yak is the initials of my grandpa. I put him there inside my heart. Rest in peace YUSUF ARTUR KARACE...

Date: 04.19.09
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TO LOVE OR NOT TO LOVE, THAT IS THE QUESTION...

Date: 04.19.09
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1/2 is completed...

Recently I am planning to get a pet for myself. I want to have some sort of animal that can share my life. Probably first guesses will be dogs or cats but none of them. Since my contract doesn't allow me to have them I decided to get a cage pet. All my life I had birds, fish, turtles... Only common thing in all of them are that you can't hold and play with none of them... Maybe with birds but still thats not what is on my mind.



I figured out about geckos after searching for pet types. We don't have geckos as pets in my country. After doing many researches on them I understood that the best gecko that is suitable for me and my budget is the crested gecko. I've seen many videos on how to feed and take care for them to live healthly.



Today after my BIO153 final I went to square one with nothing on my mind. Then I saw the huge sale on the cage that I wanted to purchase for my crested gecko. So I did, had to take the cab to bring it but at least 1/2 of my aim is completed and all I need to do is find a year old female gecko... That will be on my 3rd from the reptile expo in mississauga... At 20.00 I have my flight back home... Seems nasty but that is the only possible way I can think of... Finally, trust me V you are gonna love it, just trust me...

Date: 04.18.09
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Contradictions...

When we have contradiction with our feelings... how do we know which one to choose. When the issue is feelings there is no definite true or wrong... All my life I helped my friends with their emotional contradictions. I never told them which one I believed is the right choice but I always tried to show them what might happen if they choose either of their chances... Everything is fine up to here...

The problem starts when I am the one who is having the emotional contradictions...

How am I supposed to know what to do???

I dunno... All I know is I can hurt myself and my friends if I choose a wrong one.

Maybe then I sacrifice both options...

or maybe I am not brave enough...

Many questions, contradictions, possibilities... --> no certain answer, no equation where I can apply....

Date: 04.18.09
Cnr...

locked out again...

I dunno but for some reason my room lock hates me. I went out to my friends room close to mine and I left my phone and key inside...

when I came back I had a surprise waiting for me. The room somehow locked itself. Normally it shouldn't autolock itself but it did this time...

I had to ask someone to call the don on duty to open my door...

lovely isn't it...

Date: 04.17.09
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What is LOVE???...

Hmm, hard topic and varies from person to person... Every person have different observations on this sacred feeling. Mine is dunno, I guess a little weird then the general term you would find in a dictionary. It is without a doubt the most complicated feeling to describe and putting into words. I will try to do so in my point of view... As a university student I cannot say that I've lived long enough to conclude on this issue, there are still lots of things to observe and live. In time these things that I am writing today may change. I believe love is a feeling which has both positive sides and negative sides to it. In my point it is necessary to have in order to live your life full-filled. Without that weird feeling there would always be something missing. LOVE is a flower plant. If you take good care, give sufficient water, mineralls it needs then the plant will become marvelous; if you don't take care of it then it will fade and die very soon. LOVE is caring for someone, thinking for that person, sharing her best and also worst moments with her... All these make this feeling very sacred. In other words you share another life, therefore live two lives at once... How do I know whether or not I am in love??? by the effect a smile of her causes in my body. If the time stops, and I feel happy as if I am seeing the most marvelous, magnificent thing ever than I know I am in love. Hopefully that doesn't happen too often to me. Love in other point is belonging... Or I can say a sickness with no cure. Once you are in love with someone there is no logic in what you are doing or thinking. Your only purpose becomes to get the same care from her... If not it will become the impossible love... A heart which bleeds everytime something represents her in your daily life. Now I am not in love, one part of me is missing... I feel the absence of that part so much... All my memories thought me to be patient... maybe right person, my missing part will come to me, probably when I least expect it... I am wishing for that day to come soon and live my life crippled untill then...........

Date: 04.17.09

Cnr...

Homeeee, 1st one...

I know it sounded as if I am posting daily but something very rare happened and I am extremely happy after so many months. One of the major problems that kept on bothering me recently got solved today. I called the owner of the apartmant and told her that my friend's parent who was supposed to be the cosigner went to a summer holiday and will not come back for few months. This was a white lie that I had to make in order to get the place. I don't like lies because once you lie you have to keep on making more lies to protect your own shame. We are humans capable of lyng and in some situations we have to lie. I guess this was one of these situations. If I hadn't lie than we would still be looking for a place to call home. On the phone we settled and agreed upon the conditions. After talking with my 2 other future rommies we went to make the contract. At first what I cared was getting a place no matter what. So we went to the apartmant on Dundas street and after long application we filled we went up to see the model rooms. The room was better than what we expected. Everything was so good that I thought I am dreaming and felt worried that I may wake up to realise it. We went to the office then paid the deposit fee and reserved are place for the 3 bedroom apartmant. I felt like a big responsibility lifted from my shoulders as I exited the place. What is really weird is I made a lot of research on the 3bedroom townhouse located in 3400 Credit Woodlands and was so sure we will get that place. After realising that it was not inclusive and we would probably get denied since our bank account and the jobs my friends possess are not sufficient enough to persuade the owners. So we ended up not getting the place. The big chaos was we needed a place in no time so that when I come next year I would not face a problem where I have to find a place to live. This place that we rented today, I had no idea what it was and how it would be living there. I only knew the few properties listed on the website... That is where the magic starts... On one side you have a well searched place and on the other hand you have a place where you know nothing about. So when we exited the apartmant happily having the contract made I started to realise we are living probably the best place in Mississauga. There are lots and lots of restaurants around the apartmant. There are 2 pharmacy stores that I saw. One dry cleaner where you can get your things sewed. Some small malls or centers. A dollarama shop. Western union store. KFC. These are all so near that I would not even consider a walking distance. There is where I guess the magic is. The place that I found was probably the best I could ever imagine. The possibility of me getting the contract there, I dunno the chance. The other thing was when I measured the time we spent to travel in mississauga transit it took only 12 mins to UTM. Another awesome fact... Despite all these we finally have a place to call home and most important of all a place where we can call ours... First one... Where we are to decorate completely... Where we are independent from our parents to decide what to get... All these make me so happy and at the same time excited... I feel so positive about this... A home, my home... I feel like I am flyng with the clouds...

Date: 04.17.09
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hehehe...

Played with the features, layouts and templates...

Funny, getting used to the site

Bad side is takes time like facebook... whatever...

Good side is hmm... gotta find out and look for tht I guess...,

Date: 04.16.09
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My first Blog...

Hi,

I've recetly found out about this blogger site through someone who is really important to me. I liked the overall idea of the site so I decided to keep one for myself. Since it is the first blog I have ever written in my life I am not quite sure how this site will become/shape in the future. I guess it will be an online diary. I will not keep a daily track on what happened but only write important things or important feelings. Writing down feelings really helps you to see your situation. I've kept a diary before and when I read through it again I had a better chance of seing the big picture. Therefore I will try to write what comes to my mind. Soon, when I write all the good/bad things that happened in my life it will become a glimpse of my life. I am looking forward to start using this page...

Date: 04.16.09 Thursday
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