the one

feelings are unified with the one, too little time remaining for the encounter... can't wait u baby

Life is ...

Isn't it weird how life is constructed. When you realize or start to think how things are related to each other in nature the magnificent bonding and the beauty of the magic created during the process usually makes people fall in love with nature. This magnificent thing can be a birth of any specie, a natural event such as a thunder storm, heavy rain, a view of forest, and manny other stuff. As humans we are given one privilege which non of the animals, as far as we know, have rational thinking and expressing their feelings or emotions in the stage the humans does. Yes, we know that many different species have complex skills and even some can communicate with speech such as parrots, some can formulate stages to solve some problems such as crows collecting shiny things to their nests to keep the temperature up when they are not near the nest, chimpanzees can communicate in terms of sign language and so on. These alone to us are considered very big advances when we think they are non-humans. If any of these were done by any human, then we would say that he or she is a retard and won't even pay any attention. Up until know, all the things which I've written is to show the so seemingly natural events of our daily lives.

Did I or did I not think that one day when I reach the university level I would loose one year at the beginning and another one after the 3rd year, I guess NOT!!

All is good, but so they say. All is left for me to hope that these times will provide me with much better options in the near future so I'll have something to move on with...

<3

In love

amazing

;(

Feels weird and different. I know it is wrong but I am weak. I wish that I could have some time to freshen up. Lol. Tears are unwelcomed. Feelings are unwelcome.

Thanks...

Last night when u called u actually did me a huge favour but u are not aware of it canim, thanks...

V

You told me that u would come around 5pm and I did vacuum and clean my room only for u....

Ur plans can change but u could at least text me...

2nd time that I am telling u this...

IT IS EXTREMELY RUDE

Don't give me that crap of u being a bad person. U just don't care about me.

I'm extremely sorry but that was the drop that made the glass spill.

I tried way too hard to take everything simpler especially his year but I am fed up seeing my value in your eyes.

I really respect and love you but all these things that happened recently I no longer believe that I exist for u.

The reason I am writing it all down here is because I am f..kn tired of trying to explain and change things with us... Won't be picking ur calls or reply any text message u might be sending me for awhile.

I have nothing to explain or hear from you about this, I believe u need a time alone to decide how you are treating me. After some time if u come up with something fresh to say, i will then listen to u in a face to face conversation.

Untill then TC canim and study hard. If I don't see u at all until u go back to India, just know tht I've been trying too hard and done...

Always smile and remember that it is only u that can make urself sad and down.

Be careful with him & really do take care canim...

..

Just tired of thinking and saying the same things...

whatever...

gonna push my limits tonight... see what happens... curiosity kills the cat. I'm lucky that i am not a cat then... lol.

Where the HELL are they????

Thoughts changing, mind no longer sharp. Basic needs... Pain

All the verbs are dancing at about the same level.

Gotta happen pretty damn soon, or

hopes up, as if anything else is left.

academically destroyed...

loosing it, and i am allowing the change, not as I had anticipated, this time the change is not good but rather nasty... loosing my identity, my feelings are the last pieces of me holding it together.

As my grandfather once very wisely stated "Inceldigi yerden kopsun." Meaning let it break from the point it gets weak. Meaning whatevers gonna happen will happen, flow with the wind not against it.

Funny to see the friends that are available are not always the ones that u desired initially, but whoever stands beside u and are reachable at the end of the day are your so called friends, whether u like it or not, and the change is inevitable, neither the pain..

...

DONE!!!

Choices made!

Roads chosen!

happy (!) Valentines

I had the worst day of this year for sure. I hope this will be the worst day for this year and I won't have to go anything worst. I really had belief that I would be punished with only a warning since it was my first time. I shaved, wore suit and shirt. I was respectful and tried my best to be brief and real. I made it out of the room as soon as the hearing ended. Went outside far away where no one can see me and then I just couldn't keep them anymore. cried slowly, without any sounds. felt really bad. after i pulled my self together I went to the office of the dean as I was instructed to see the secretary once more after. I just went into her office.when i was explaining the meeting i just couldn't stop my tears again. talked to her for 45 mins and tears never ended. she really listened and made me feel better. she asked questions, she cared... it just felt so good to be listened, to see in someone else's eyes that you are worth something. After leaving her office i directly went to the office of the registrar and took an academic counselling. I learned what my options are. The worst part is that this is my last chance to get out of the academic probation or I will be suspended for a year. after the counselling i lost the sense of feelings... all gone... no one knows how much effort i am putting into my academics this year, no one cares. i havent given up. I'll still do whatever I can but i just lost the feelings after the double meetings. all gone, left with an empty feeling, a cold one. when i returned to roy ivor, i put a fake smile on my face and did one thing that i can do best, swallowed everything deep inside... what a valentines... midterm on wednesday only makes things better... 9.40pm and still no feelings, listening to the music, the headache became a part of my thinking by now. i don't notice it unless i think about it... worst of all i wanna be lonely, all alone, just study, no fun, no pets, no friends, no plants, no happiness, only study, just study... everything lost it's meaning.

1.27am

First time attending a UTM pub. I feel good. Feels good before my 3 midterms which are coming next term. I am drunk but as usual I haven't lost control. I drank 2 glasses of Italian caluca %38, 3 glasses of beer and 3 glasses of tequila shot. After all these drinking I know I am drunk but still under control. I never had a time where I blocked out. I asked V who is driving her home. She said Eric, I hope he didn't drink that much and he drives her safely. I'll stay till the end and make sure she gets a ride back. It is 1.33 am now and I feel thirsty.

torture in the night...

For a very long time I am seeing dreams where I have different pets with me and I have to get rid of them quickly. Last night I saw that I had bunch of small dogs. There was someone else which I can't remember the identity. That person was slamming the dogs against a wall before tossing them to the sea. At the end I could only manage to hide one hamster and one dog. Sad because I am seeing many variations of these pet cases every time I sleep. Just sad.

a wish made, one that's been waiting for a long time. I feel it in my soul that it is gonna happen soon. I have a weird joy inside.

this year despite the fact I returned to campus, I am lonelier than ever. At least last year we did shopping every 2 days. went to school and come back, ate most of the time places that are close to us. This year everyone is in their own room, sometimes I don't even see them for few days.

now that my pets are gone, i feel more lonely... I am intending to change my life starting now.

wasted

such a waste of time. tomorrow i should be careful. time is passing, first exams and essays are just around the corner. I have to shake myself from all the negativeness that is going in my life. Yesterday night was a mess. Should never loose control like that. Drinking does no good when I am not in the mood for it. Recent events showed me once again that I should not trust people. Over n over again life repeats it's self. It is always the ones that I believe to be the closest to me. How can one be happy when it is so hard to find someone to lean when you are tired. How much value I have in others usually was or seemed to be the least value... Always thought to be self-dependend. I hate when I am suffering me with these useless thinkings which do me only harm. I so wished there would be someone who would prove me wrong. I know today is wasted, over fed like hell. just feel disgusted of myself. I'm not gonna let my feeling haunt me this time. I will let myself be sad and miserable today but when I wake early tomorrow it will be a completely new day. tomorrow will be a treat... =)