Following my instincts...

So weird but it really happened. I went to her summer place... I dropped my sis somewhere close to where she lived and then on my way back home i just felt like going to tht direction... I followed my instinct... I couldn't believe how i found the place so easily... I just went there once in my life n somehow i knew where to go... Something even more weird is I parked exactly the same place I parked when i came the first time... After tht i knew what to do... it was more than just the instincts... i walked to the sea side where we met n spoke... exactly the same way as i remembered it... sat there... felt so bad... just cried... softly so tht no one could hear... I walked around the place n i called her.. not knowing whether she is home or not... she didnt answer my calls so i texted her no replies... If she picked my phone i had no idea what i would say. I'd probably say tht i am sitting at the very wooden seat once we used to sit n chat... all the nice things tht we once had came to me so vivid... Couldnt bare the pain all of them brought back... never realised tht i really missed her... tht she became so important to me... Never realised untill i lost her... how stupid i've acted... so childish... many words unsaid... feeling one part of me bleeding... slowly... something tht would never kill n never heal... Should have realised all these before coming to this point...

i love u...

ur gone... u'll never know...

how many mistakes do i need to make untill i learn....

will i ever be happy?? will i ever have the courage to love someone again?? will my wounds ever heal?? So much for me, cant stand it... i need to smile n move on... but can i?? i feel like i am hurting all the people around me.... dont wanna hate myself nymore... y is it so hard to start a new page in my life??? so alone... so powerless... failure... not given up yet...

What are we living 4??

Date: 07.24.09

Cnr...

no words left to say, only few drops of tears drain...

feels so different now... i thought i was angry at her... even went to her graduation ceremony just to keep my promise... Thought tht after all her stabs in my heart it would just end... just get over with her and everything tht reminded her... so mistaken i was... i had this terrible feeling of something missing, something terribly wrong... (blog: buried boxes) Never understood the reason of those feelings tht slowly dragged me into depression... Yesterday all of a sudden i wanted to call her... so i did... she didnt pick up my call... I thought to myself she wouldnt wanna hear my voice... just then a text came... she said she is not available to talk with me because her father was in the hearing range... i just told her tht i wanted to see her in person before i leave my country again... she replied back saying tht she is not quite sure tht she is mentally ready for such a meeting... i assured her tht it would be a chat, something pleasant and she shouldnt worry... So texts went back n fort... i realised tht weird stupid feelings tht i had and wouldnt let me free was some inner side of me feeling guilty for just running away from her. We hurt each other... none of it was on purpose... we both went through horrible years n we knew what it was to loose somebody... I perfectly know tht there is no possibility of us being back together... not even a glimpse of doubt... Neither i or her would dare to erase all the bad things tht happened between us and start over as if nothng happened. Tht was what she ment when she said i dont know if i am ready for such a meeting... so i assured her tht it wouldnt be like tht... i choose my words in those texts with

special care not to resuscitate any bad memories... It made me remember how and why i loved her... After all those texts she said she would let me know when she would be available to meet me again... i really dont know whether or not i am ready for such a meeting myself... we'll see if it happens...

all i want is to thnk her all the good memories we shared and hug her for the last time... i hope she doesnt run away from this... after all she still occupies a space in my heart... Something she will never know... i wish all the best for u... i hope u will find someone who will take care for u... my little... MİNİĞİM... :' )

Date: 07.18.09

Cnr...

Buried Boxes...

My mind is racing all the time...something not quite right... Something is always missing... I can feel it but i can't understand what is missing. Hurts me so much to see tht myself walking in a fog... no distance, blindly running... Doing many things... many things... Trying not to waste a minute... so tired and yet still not knowing what is the missing thing... Something coming from deep inside... maybe an emotion maybe not... Obviously something tht i buried within me... it's trying to come out but it can't succedd... Whatever tht is wants to burst out of me... something so wrong... fear... loneliness, pain... those feelings reaches the surface... whatever burried deep inside me causes these...

Probably the most happiest summer i have ever had... Last 2 summers i wasnt well but this summer all recovered. Everything is so great, in order... I can do most of the things i want... Reached many elementary friends n still in touch with college friends. My family is together and despite the small disturbances we are all happy... Everyone admires how many stuff i fit into a single day... I've been repairing stuff, planting and decorating the garden, cooking, studying for the upcoming courses, driving, shopping, swiming, successful diet... Everyone points me admiringly... Most important of all i feel happy and getting ready for a better academic performance... Everything is perfect, more than i would ever expect... but what is this feeling tht surfaces too much within me... Scares me so much. I am forcing myself to much and doing all these different sorts of things so that i feel better, so tht i feel tht i have a value... GOD what did i burried long ago n now came to hunt me. I have no clue whatsoever is causing this weird n hard to describe disturbance tht i randomly feel... Whatever this is i hope i am ready to face with it...

Last time something like this happened i failed to manage. This time i aint loosing my control... Whatever u are just stay where i burried u =)=)...

LIFE goes on n i aint gonna miss it for some weird feelings =)=) Lets hope for the best =)

Date: 07.08.09

Cnr...