no words left to say, only few drops of tears drain...

feels so different now... i thought i was angry at her... even went to her graduation ceremony just to keep my promise... Thought tht after all her stabs in my heart it would just end... just get over with her and everything tht reminded her... so mistaken i was... i had this terrible feeling of something missing, something terribly wrong... (blog: buried boxes) Never understood the reason of those feelings tht slowly dragged me into depression... Yesterday all of a sudden i wanted to call her... so i did... she didnt pick up my call... I thought to myself she wouldnt wanna hear my voice... just then a text came... she said she is not available to talk with me because her father was in the hearing range... i just told her tht i wanted to see her in person before i leave my country again... she replied back saying tht she is not quite sure tht she is mentally ready for such a meeting... i assured her tht it would be a chat, something pleasant and she shouldnt worry... So texts went back n fort... i realised tht weird stupid feelings tht i had and wouldnt let me free was some inner side of me feeling guilty for just running away from her. We hurt each other... none of it was on purpose... we both went through horrible years n we knew what it was to loose somebody... I perfectly know tht there is no possibility of us being back together... not even a glimpse of doubt... Neither i or her would dare to erase all the bad things tht happened between us and start over as if nothng happened. Tht was what she ment when she said i dont know if i am ready for such a meeting... so i assured her tht it wouldnt be like tht... i choose my words in those texts with

special care not to resuscitate any bad memories... It made me remember how and why i loved her... After all those texts she said she would let me know when she would be available to meet me again... i really dont know whether or not i am ready for such a meeting myself... we'll see if it happens...

all i want is to thnk her all the good memories we shared and hug her for the last time... i hope she doesnt run away from this... after all she still occupies a space in my heart... Something she will never know... i wish all the best for u... i hope u will find someone who will take care for u... my little... MİNİĞİM... :' )

Date: 07.18.09

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