Ezgi...

The way we met was very weird... unpredicted... U were always unpredictable... When i thought i would make u happy u would fail me... actually not always... never knew what u actually meant to me until i lost u last year... I should have trusted u way be4... I didn't... I had a very painful love experience when I met u... U already knew, probably u knew tht i would fail to love u because my heart was with someone else... U didn't trust me at the beginning... I remember the first day u came to my house, u were so excited, ur hands were cold n ur face went red =)=)... we watched a comedy movie... i dont remember the movie... but i remember how u where with all the details... u failed to see but i was so excited n red tht day... I cried when u slept on my shoulder, u never knew, never told u... I failed to tell u how much i loved u because i didnt know it myself at tht time... i realized it after loosing u... i knew i was feeling something towards u but failed to understand what i was feeling... I thought i was only there because i wanted to forget the other Ezgi... probably thts what drew me to u at the first place but i failed to realize tht i actually loved u after knowng u... thts y i never kissed u from ur lips... U never told me tht u loved me either, but u made it so obvious with the way u hugged me and the way u looked right into my eyes... Yea there where text messages... Thousands of them... U never told me but u wrote n send me... I could read it them from ur messages but i wouldnt trust them... i was feeling way to much complicated feelings... I wanted to hear it from ur mouth... not from text messages... I could sense ur love but was never sure... I was so afraid to harm u... I was so afraid to tell u tht i might not be loving u the way u loved me... I didnt wanna make u sad, thts y i always kept my distance... I knew u had horrible love experiences... maybe thts y u kept ur distance also... I was never too sure... never wanted to harm u and didnt wanna feel another love burden... when i lost u, i realized how much u actually meant to me... All the walks we had together... all those times we sat on the bench in front of ur apartment... We couldn't tell to each other in words tht we loved each other... probably because of what we've went through... Couldn't trust... Even though we failed to name it, we both sensed it... we had so many arguments, and so many good times...

I feel horrible after talking to u... because i miss u... i can forgive all the bad things between us but i cant forget them... can we stay as friends... i honestly cant know... I love u but i know i shouldn't... Probably u went through the same confusion as i did go through... tht might be a reason y u never told me n i could never tell u... all the pain i had shows me tht i can love u again but i really shouldnt... if u cant tell me tht u love me, i will feel it... i cant forgive u for not telling it directly to me without the text messages... i understood y u couldn't but still waited u to tell me...

Never saw u during the summer, did my best to see u... I knew u would say tht ur phone had problem... i knew it... the only thing is i cant believe it... if u really wanted to see me u would make it possible somehow... if i was really tht important u would have reached me from facebook, e-mail, msn, n even my cell... again i can understand y u didnt contacted me... u were afraid to see me... and i was afraid to see u... i was afraid to love u again, i told myself not to but my heart never listens my logic... u said u were not ready to see me in ur last text u sent me... n trust me i wasnt either... all i wanted to hug u... tell u how i missed u... but tht was all. different countries, wouldnt work... i would be thinking u all the time instead of my courses... so i had no intention to start it all over again... but u not contacting me pained me so much... i felt i deserved to see u one last time... only 30 minutes of any day would be enough for me... now u say tht ur phone wasnt working and u were too busy n feel so bad tht we couldnt... life is hard but u could have spent at least 30 minutes, or even 10 mins... i came and saw ur commencement... at least i kept my promise... yea i went early tht day... probably u were angry at me... u texted me asking y i didnt wait n see u... i lied saying i had to wake early... i knew tht i wouldnt be able to hold my tears when i saw u... so i ran tht day... but then wanted to see u later... than u ran away by not contactng me... i can understand u, see i did the same mistake on the commencement nite but i wanted to fix it... no matter how hard and emotional it would be seeing u, i really wanted to see u one last time before leavng the country... U were always hard to understand, always unpredictable... i had to sense everythng all the time i was with u... d u know how much it pained me to guess what u were feeling?? i so wished u told me... i so wished tht u came to say bye to me... i so needed it... i feel so much regret for the things i failed in telling u... but u never told me anythng................... u made it hard for me to realize tht i actually loved u by making everythng a puzzle for me... i so wished tht u just told me once tht u loved me... i cant n wont do anythng with my assumptions... i suffered way too much and so u too... i would never hurt u by saying i dont love u... because deep inside i knew i might be... but so many confusion... couldnt trust.... just wasnt possible miniğimmm... thinking all the consequences and what i or u did wrong will not change anythng... i lost u... n i loved u.... d i still love u??? i forgot what love is........ i cant love anymore... thts not true... i can... but dont want to.... no more regrets or pains... everythng is so fresh, all the bad attempts tht i had.... all those arguments..... who can blame me if i am so scared of trusting a new person.... i can.... but i am afraid to.... i want to... and yet i dont want to.... Ezgi we can never be together again... i am wish u can find someone tht would love u and take care of u.... i really tried to but failed... i know u dont hate me but u should be blaming me for so many things tht i didnt do... i knoe... i wasnt the best... i wish u'll find someone tht really loves u like i did but shouldnt be scared to take a step like i was =)=)

i can n will never forget u E... i really loved and cared for u... i still do care for u... but cant/shouldnt love u the way i once did and failed to realize... just be happy at ur new university, new city... i hope everythng goes as u planned and u really find someone tht would never harm u....