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Bazen elimizden pek bir sey gelmez. Kiralan kalpler, duygular ve insanlar kalir sadece geriye. Sen denersin elinden geleni ama olmaz. Olacagina birakmak lazim gelir, ama cogu zaman olacagina birakmak yerine debeler, kendimiz dah abir icinden cikilmaz bir hale getiririz durumu. Her adim bizi birbirimizden daha bir uzaklastirirken bazen susmak en iyisi, en azindan daha az kiriliriz. Ben birakiyorum savasmayi, ne olacaksa olsun. Inceldigi yerden kopsun. Istenmedigini hissetmek pek de hos birsey degil. Birde bana yanliz hissediyorum demez mi? delirmemek elden degil, sanki dalga gecer gibi. O yanlizsa ben neyim o zaman. O kadar insan icinde yanliz kalmayi becerebiliyorsa o da bir basari tabiki. Benim artik elimden ona yardim edecek birsey gelmez. Paylasirsa derdini dinlerim, o kadar. Ne desem baska bir tartisma konusu oluyor, belkide en iyisi susmak. Bakalim bir degisim olacak mi? Sanmam, o farkina vardiginda ben uzaklarda olurum. Cok iyi niyetli biri ama elimden daha da fazlasi gelmiyor benimde. Yoruldum, ve yiprandim... Bu iliskiyi kurtarmak icin daha fazla yipranmasini onleyecegim...

seems like it

thinking that everything will last as it is right now is an illusion. Most of us take many things as granted and assume that we will have those things no matter what. Only when we lose or threatened to lose them, we understand their true value. UNfortunately, I feel like its done since I'm tired of fighting against it. Just as my grandfather once said let it be, let it break from the weakest part. U can't control everything around u, trying to do so will only harm u... Sometimes u just have to sit back and let it flow. I'm there, sitting back and observing, letting myself, and my mind relax... Waiting for the correct time, and person. Maybe this is what I should have done from the beginning instead of trying to control it all. If someone leaves you, someone else will enter ur life, usually when u least expected. So I will let it be. No more thinking, no more fighting. I will only value the ones who deserve it. No more, just too tired... "sana bir onerim olacak; hayatindan mikroplari at." Such a lovely phrase from the song. I think, this is what I ought to do...

Cnr

Arkadasim saydiklarim tek tek giderken...

Bir yaprak dokumu yasiyorum. En yakinimda olan insanlar, en cok guvenecegim ve zor zamanlarimizi paylasacagimi zannettigim kisiler birer birer kayip gidiyor hayatimdan. Sadece gitmekle kalsalar iyi, benden bir parca aliyorlar ve bir daha geri vermemecesine arkalarini donup gidiyorlar. Ben kolayca affedebilen biri degilim, gidene kal demem asla... Benden kaynaklaniyor heralde, hepsi tek tek gidince akla baska bir sey gelmiyor. Ama giden her parca biraz daha eritiyor ve en sonunda aci kalmiyor, esik noktasi gecildiginde artik hep ayni, alisiyor insan eninde sonunda... Nelere alismadik ki.. Gun geldi en sevdigimiz insani ugurladik sonsuzluga, peki bugun alismadik mi? Baslamadik mi hayata tutunmaya, farkli ugraslar bulmadik mi? Baskalarina baglanmadik mi? Sebepler yaratmadik mi? Kendimizi oyalamadik mi? Yeri geldi kandirdik kendimizi... Once ilk okuldan arkadasim nedenini bilmeden cekti gitti, sonra ilkokul ve lise arkadasim kesti iliskiyi sebepsiz ve bunun uzerinden daha bir hafta gecti universitedeki en iyi arkadasimla iliskim calkalaniyor. Ben gene ayaklarimin uzerinde olucam, yarin hayatima neler getirir, neler goturur bunu bilmiyorum ama artik esik noktasini gectim, aciyor ama alisiyorum, hissizlesiyor sonunda... Ben yorgunum bu gibi iliskilerin pesinden kosmaktan. Bugun yanimda olanlar yarin beni birakirsa elbet biri olur gene yanimda, en azindan ailem var, onlar yanimdalar, desteklerini aramizdaki mesafeye ragmen fark ettirmiyorlar. Aramizdaki bag ve dayanisma benim zorluklarin uzerinden gelmeme cok yardimci oluyor. Ben bu arkadaslarimla aramdaki sorunu bir turlu cozebilecegimi dusunuyorum. Umudumu yitirmis degilim. Eger olmazsada elbet onlarin yerini alacak insanlar girecektir hayatima... Whatever tomorrow brings, I am ready to flow with it... Smile, because you might never get another chance in life to do so...

Cnr...

Drunkkkk

I wanna drink until I drop dead, for the first time in my life. Wanna be high, cool, without any worries. Just wanna live the moment. I got wine as alcohol which is not enough though but tomorrow I will stock up some stuff for sure... probably I'll head to sq1 and shop there... Academically everything seems to be fine. I have nothing due this week. Wanna go downtown though, get a new newt for the one tht died... have some good food hopefully not alone. it is to early for anything but don't have anything to do so I guess I am gonna drink and listen to soad for a while and hopefully I can get drunk tomorrow... Been too long since I last became drunk... Everybody's gotta learn sometimes... silly blog without any aims whatsoever...

ee

Such a lonely day and it is mine, the most loneliness day of my life... I'm ready, bring it on!!!!

one thing...

All these times I've wanted it n loosing my belief n hopes. Dunno, it's sad but to admit it... Well, nice memories that makes me smile when I recall them. Hope is the one thing that makes us moving, keeps us on track, and gives us the power to breath. Now that the hope is fading, it is just sad.

nightmare

Very weird nightmare indeed, I was on my was to the airport on a bus. I had the hamsters with me. I was planning to take them with me back home. Then on the bus I realized that I am not allowed to take them on the plane. I was trying to convince people to take care of the pets for me for two weeks. Very weird. N y only the four hamsters were in the dream I have no clue of. Well I am glad that I found a home for them for two weeks. Hopefully everything works out as planned and I don't have to try and take them with me back home.

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Love