I believe everything happens for a reason... even the bad things.... mistakes.... i believe they are to warn us to be more careful next time... "a wound tht doesnt kill u, makes u stronger." Every passing day my belief increases in this way... yea, all those mistakes i made, all those stuff i felt so emberassed n regret actually thought me valuable life lessons...
I have a weird feeling... if i smile, be happy n make people happy, the rest will come... all the stress n worries i have right now are for a reason... the reason why i feel them is becaz i screwed up so badly last year... i lost my self respect... now i want to be successful so much... actually need it so much... but i am scared tht i might not... there u go... explanation to all my stress... i feel deep inside tht i will be okk this year. i will only fail if i let my stress overcome my life energy, n my hopes... be happy n if u cant fake it to be happy... too much stress will harm me... relax... still cant breath normally, 1 year passed... i am way better than i once was but still i am lacking the inner peace... those thoughts lasting hours n in return i feel headache...
everything in life happens for a reason... i want to be successful so tht i can help other people... so tht they wouldnt suffer the way i did... i feel deep inside tht i will succeed... n when i do, i will help all those people who helped me... starting with my mother who sends all her retirement money to me every month... god knows how much tht hurts me.... after working 40 years she deserves to spend tht money for herself... instead she sends it to me... unfair... n still she is happy... my grandfather paying all my tuition... all these sacrifices n many more tht i know... how will i ever pay all these favors... how can i stop worryng n stressng when people just work their asses... too much responsibility... i feel so much pressure on top of my shoulders... carryng it all the time... god give me the strenght tht i need... please... if i fail this time i cant look at their faces... just cant... god give them strenght, hapiness n health... those people really deserve it... giving everythng n living in a lower standarts so tht someone else can get a better education... every single day these thoughts haunt me... weeken me... n at the same time add too much to me...
everything happens for a reason... if i never suffered, how would i ever be happy with small things... i just wanna believe, smile n be happy, make happy... if i never went so down, how on earth would i ever supposed to know how precious a single smile is... seems funny to think tht once i was praying for a single real smile... not to long ago... this year i cant afford to loose... not only my family, there are very special friends tht help me... i wanna look at those people right in the eye n tell them how much they mean to me... how much i love n respect them...
too much to do... i will do them all, as best i can...
everythng in life happens for a reason...
Date: 08.31.09
Cnr...
8.27.2009
analyzing the moment...
so blurry... i am so tired n yet still i force myself to move forward... before i came here i made some plans... life is so unexpected... my plans were to get a desk, bed n chair immediately so tht i can check some course material before the classes start...... I feel way tooo worried for my coming academic year... It is really normal after screwing up so bad last year... I know by heart tht this is my last chance... love my friends and life tht i have here... I wanna stay n be successful.. I know i can... n yet i am so scared from the if not case... if i fail again this year i know i will be loosing more than the oportunity to have a good education. i can face with all the worries n stress i got at the moment... thts nice... i need a little bit of stress in order to succeed. sometimes i loose my hope... sometimes all these worries n thoughts weakeness me so much, i loose time, my hunger and whatsoever... As the first day approaches it gets harder... just breath... slowly.... clear ur mind... it didnt started yet.... keep ur positive attitude..... damn weird.... one side of me is so sure tht i can do it but the other side of me is just so worried.... tht side of me is so aware of the consequences if i fail.... so sure tht my uni life will end..... i have other plans.... yea.... no matter what happens i will still be me... not the end of the world.... my wish is to graduate with a psychology diploma.... i am sure tht i can help other people....
Dunno what will happen........ i wish for the best, what ever path suits me the most.....
i am a light leaf. very strong wind separated me from a mapple tree. i'm trying my best to resist n stay in one piece. flying to an unknown destiny....
Date: 08.27.09
Cnr...
Dunno what will happen........ i wish for the best, what ever path suits me the most.....
i am a light leaf. very strong wind separated me from a mapple tree. i'm trying my best to resist n stay in one piece. flying to an unknown destiny....
Date: 08.27.09
Cnr...
8.24.2009
SO HAPPY, PEACEFULL...
i was so scared, actually worried before i came here... too many questions on my mind... Had too much stress tht harmed my sleeping... Stress is the reaction we show to new things in our livesss. This year i am starting a new program, new home... i knew it was very normal for me to worry since getting a diploma means a lot to me... It will help me become someone...
Had a hard and tiring journey... Couldnt sleep easily yesterday, still had many stuff in my mind... had to do many things, organised them in to order and started doing them... Can't believe how fast and easy they are finishing...
I feel so great now.. Here i am... all the unknowns started to shape up before me... i know the place tht i am gonna live, i thought what i can get to my room, gotta fix the floor be4 gettng anythng. Talked to the management about it. She was a very funny and sweet lady... seems like she is gonna help me get it fixed soon.. Tht was one of the worries tht vanished, i thought the new manager would be someone tht would not help... all worries gone =)=)...
Missing my country, family and friends so much.... I have to thank all of my friends here for making it so easier for me to adapt again... I will start with V and T, thank u for coming to see me on 22nd... Cant tell u how lonely and miserable i felt after tht long journey... Seeing u helped me pull myself together and defenitally changed my mood... Thank u both for the things u brought me.... Still using them... very thoughtful of u to carry them all the way... Thank u... Thank u D for looking after my baby geckos... they look so healthy... Thank u P for the sofa u gave to us and also lookng after my geckos when D went to his home. Thank u for bringing the pets to my doorstep... Thank u A, always nice chatting to u, tht shower curtain u brought saved my life... lol... not kidding a bit...
Thank u V for coming to sq1 and spending the day with me... loved the movie, really wanted to see it... Really nice spending time with u... U always change my mood...
THANK YOU ALL for being my friends... each of u have a seperate place in my heart... After all those stress and worries i never thought i would feel so peacefull n happy in just 2 days... I hope i wont loose u... or hurt u... thank u ... thnk u... thnk u... thank u.... for everthing u've added to my life n all those things to come... U are my family here...God knows how lonely i would feel without u...
Date: 08.24.09
Cnr...
Had a hard and tiring journey... Couldnt sleep easily yesterday, still had many stuff in my mind... had to do many things, organised them in to order and started doing them... Can't believe how fast and easy they are finishing...
I feel so great now.. Here i am... all the unknowns started to shape up before me... i know the place tht i am gonna live, i thought what i can get to my room, gotta fix the floor be4 gettng anythng. Talked to the management about it. She was a very funny and sweet lady... seems like she is gonna help me get it fixed soon.. Tht was one of the worries tht vanished, i thought the new manager would be someone tht would not help... all worries gone =)=)...
Missing my country, family and friends so much.... I have to thank all of my friends here for making it so easier for me to adapt again... I will start with V and T, thank u for coming to see me on 22nd... Cant tell u how lonely and miserable i felt after tht long journey... Seeing u helped me pull myself together and defenitally changed my mood... Thank u both for the things u brought me.... Still using them... very thoughtful of u to carry them all the way... Thank u... Thank u D for looking after my baby geckos... they look so healthy... Thank u P for the sofa u gave to us and also lookng after my geckos when D went to his home. Thank u for bringing the pets to my doorstep... Thank u A, always nice chatting to u, tht shower curtain u brought saved my life... lol... not kidding a bit...
Thank u V for coming to sq1 and spending the day with me... loved the movie, really wanted to see it... Really nice spending time with u... U always change my mood...
THANK YOU ALL for being my friends... each of u have a seperate place in my heart... After all those stress and worries i never thought i would feel so peacefull n happy in just 2 days... I hope i wont loose u... or hurt u... thank u ... thnk u... thnk u... thank u.... for everthing u've added to my life n all those things to come... U are my family here...God knows how lonely i would feel without u...
Date: 08.24.09
Cnr...
8.17.2009
Rest in PEACE... n Happy Birthday...
6 years ago tonight... maybe even these very same minutes... I was only 14 years old then but the memories are so vivid n live...
Some scenes are so strong and so powerful, so meaningful... I can forget everything maybe my own name but cant forget those memories...
. the times u thought me how to drive... i was barely 6years old. couldnt reach the pedals... U handeled the pedals and i hold the steering wheel... so much fun... real n pure hapiness
. the times u sang ruppediya lullaby to me... cant remember how small i was... face expressions and ur voice is still in my memory...
. ur jokes and positive energy...
. the day we went to fishing... learned how to fish from u... maybe thts y i dnt wanna go fishing anymore... remember how much i miss u... remember how u filled the bucket with fishes all alone...
. all the times u carried me on ur shoulders... u made me flew like a superman...
. remember how strong u always were... didnt matter what happened, u looked fine... even when u suffered u had a smile there... maybe not a real one but u had it...
. i will never n ever forget how u thanked ur wife... withnessed the situation from the kitchen... u were standing in the corridor... i had rice stuffed in my mouth... then saw u called her... standing on ur feet without any help... U couldnt speak... u just looked at her... followed ur lips and saw u thanked her... then gave her tht one single rose... time froze... rice stood in my mouth, unable to swallow... then u hugged her... u both cried softly... all my family did... no sound but tears racing to reach the ground first... first time i ever saw u cry n the last time... so special...
.i remember the day u grabbed me and kissed me from the forehead... slowly... felt it at tht second... u were saying bye... just felt it... new how much u suffered pain... u knew u would never see me... did my best to prevent the tears... succeeded... i remember how u looked at me... felt the pure feelings... u didnt say anything with words but i saw it in ur eyes... i was 14 but i just understood it... On ur birthday 17 August 2003 we gathered at ur place... u were laying on a sofa... remember everyone's face tht day... we had a birthday cake... u never saw it... u opened ur eyes, just a little... probably didnt recognise any of us... unconcious.... u were in a seperate room. people came one by one... celebrated ur birthday... ur immune system was so weak tht we couldnt even kiss u from the cheeks... we kissed ur hands instead... i spoke to u when we were alone in the room. no replies or any indication tht u heard me... but i spoke anyways... i just felt it coming... Went back to my home, felt so bad... and came a text from my cousin... read the text... he said he was very sorry for my lost... few drops more drops of what was left in my eyes dripped... Ur pain ended tht was my only support...
I came today 17 August 2009... looked at u... no tears came then... so much emotion tht i dont remember driving back... brought u flowers... looked at ur grave... saw the green plant tht grew wildy on u... i hope u are happy grandpa... Never could told u how special u were to me... never had the chance... learned so much from u... wished i can hug u one more time... i would give anythng for tht... nearly 2am and i have to wake up at 4am... 2 hours... maybe i'll hug u in my dream... no one saw; did my best not to be seen, i cut my rope wristlet n put it in ur grave when it was my turn to showel soil 6 years ago... keep my gift... have ur moustashe n beard style... still wear wristlet... missed u... rest in peace... n happy birthday... born n gone on 17th August... coincidence...
U never know what will happen therefore u've gotta LIVE THE MOST OF NOW...
Date: 08.18.09
Cnr...
Some scenes are so strong and so powerful, so meaningful... I can forget everything maybe my own name but cant forget those memories...
. the times u thought me how to drive... i was barely 6years old. couldnt reach the pedals... U handeled the pedals and i hold the steering wheel... so much fun... real n pure hapiness
. the times u sang ruppediya lullaby to me... cant remember how small i was... face expressions and ur voice is still in my memory...
. ur jokes and positive energy...
. the day we went to fishing... learned how to fish from u... maybe thts y i dnt wanna go fishing anymore... remember how much i miss u... remember how u filled the bucket with fishes all alone...
. all the times u carried me on ur shoulders... u made me flew like a superman...
. remember how strong u always were... didnt matter what happened, u looked fine... even when u suffered u had a smile there... maybe not a real one but u had it...
. i will never n ever forget how u thanked ur wife... withnessed the situation from the kitchen... u were standing in the corridor... i had rice stuffed in my mouth... then saw u called her... standing on ur feet without any help... U couldnt speak... u just looked at her... followed ur lips and saw u thanked her... then gave her tht one single rose... time froze... rice stood in my mouth, unable to swallow... then u hugged her... u both cried softly... all my family did... no sound but tears racing to reach the ground first... first time i ever saw u cry n the last time... so special...
.i remember the day u grabbed me and kissed me from the forehead... slowly... felt it at tht second... u were saying bye... just felt it... new how much u suffered pain... u knew u would never see me... did my best to prevent the tears... succeeded... i remember how u looked at me... felt the pure feelings... u didnt say anything with words but i saw it in ur eyes... i was 14 but i just understood it... On ur birthday 17 August 2003 we gathered at ur place... u were laying on a sofa... remember everyone's face tht day... we had a birthday cake... u never saw it... u opened ur eyes, just a little... probably didnt recognise any of us... unconcious.... u were in a seperate room. people came one by one... celebrated ur birthday... ur immune system was so weak tht we couldnt even kiss u from the cheeks... we kissed ur hands instead... i spoke to u when we were alone in the room. no replies or any indication tht u heard me... but i spoke anyways... i just felt it coming... Went back to my home, felt so bad... and came a text from my cousin... read the text... he said he was very sorry for my lost... few drops more drops of what was left in my eyes dripped... Ur pain ended tht was my only support...
I came today 17 August 2009... looked at u... no tears came then... so much emotion tht i dont remember driving back... brought u flowers... looked at ur grave... saw the green plant tht grew wildy on u... i hope u are happy grandpa... Never could told u how special u were to me... never had the chance... learned so much from u... wished i can hug u one more time... i would give anythng for tht... nearly 2am and i have to wake up at 4am... 2 hours... maybe i'll hug u in my dream... no one saw; did my best not to be seen, i cut my rope wristlet n put it in ur grave when it was my turn to showel soil 6 years ago... keep my gift... have ur moustashe n beard style... still wear wristlet... missed u... rest in peace... n happy birthday... born n gone on 17th August... coincidence...
U never know what will happen therefore u've gotta LIVE THE MOST OF NOW...
Date: 08.18.09
Cnr...
8.13.2009
begging
Praying tht i dont have to change my dreams... feeling angry, betrayed and foolish... regret... could have prevented it... felt it coming... now i am left with only one option... sit n wait... please....... cant control my heart beats... please dont let me learn a lesson the hard way... i got the lesson out of this... I wanted this n made plans all summer... how unsudden... life can change just in few seconds or like in this case with a little negligence... i promise to be more careful... please dont let my dreams change... i set all my actions accordingly... major change... i'll adapt if i have to... but feel tht it would nt be the same... i just wanted it sooooo much... begging tht everything will go okay and i wont have to face the consequences... my main goal will never change in both cases but still dont wanna make up my mind... all summer i set my mind just like a clock... tic toc tic toc... GOD realising how much plans i made... hurts so much to see tht it can all go away n all i can do is sit n wait... and yea pray... begging u so much with all my heart... i will do my best at both situations...
Date: 08.13.09
Cnr...
Date: 08.13.09
Cnr...
8.04.2009
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