i guess so it shall be, won't be the same again... so be it

Sometimes...

Sometimes there is this feeling of sadness that comes deep beneath, accompanied by tiredness and it makes me feel like doing nothing. Sometimes I feel like there is no meaning in what I am doing or what I observe around me. Kind of Nietzsche's Nihilism... Well my problem is not with the existence of God. I am not capable of even understanding such a great being. We are only capable of understanding things that we observe around us. Someone who never saw ocean can't understand what it is like to be sailing on a boat. When I feel like this, I just wanna crawl somewhere nice and hot and sleep, all alone, quit, dark, secure... Sometimes I want to drink to relax other times just feel too lazy to do so. Today is especially weird, on top of all these I felt that indescribable feeling, it's just as if the world is going a little slower and my eyes are like video recorders passively recording things. I had dizziness, as if I had cold... Dunno, maybe it's because tomorrow I have this final that I am no where near ready. Maybe this feeling is triggered by panic or stress.

Today I want to be all alone.

Today I just wanna hear the silence.

Today I just wanna see the unseen, feel the unfelt....

Today I just wanna smile again, even if the problem is uncertain...

"Such a lonely day and it's mine, the most loneliest day in my life."

...

Bazen elimizden pek bir sey gelmez. Kiralan kalpler, duygular ve insanlar kalir sadece geriye. Sen denersin elinden geleni ama olmaz. Olacagina birakmak lazim gelir, ama cogu zaman olacagina birakmak yerine debeler, kendimiz dah abir icinden cikilmaz bir hale getiririz durumu. Her adim bizi birbirimizden daha bir uzaklastirirken bazen susmak en iyisi, en azindan daha az kiriliriz. Ben birakiyorum savasmayi, ne olacaksa olsun. Inceldigi yerden kopsun. Istenmedigini hissetmek pek de hos birsey degil. Birde bana yanliz hissediyorum demez mi? delirmemek elden degil, sanki dalga gecer gibi. O yanlizsa ben neyim o zaman. O kadar insan icinde yanliz kalmayi becerebiliyorsa o da bir basari tabiki. Benim artik elimden ona yardim edecek birsey gelmez. Paylasirsa derdini dinlerim, o kadar. Ne desem baska bir tartisma konusu oluyor, belkide en iyisi susmak. Bakalim bir degisim olacak mi? Sanmam, o farkina vardiginda ben uzaklarda olurum. Cok iyi niyetli biri ama elimden daha da fazlasi gelmiyor benimde. Yoruldum, ve yiprandim... Bu iliskiyi kurtarmak icin daha fazla yipranmasini onleyecegim...

seems like it

thinking that everything will last as it is right now is an illusion. Most of us take many things as granted and assume that we will have those things no matter what. Only when we lose or threatened to lose them, we understand their true value. UNfortunately, I feel like its done since I'm tired of fighting against it. Just as my grandfather once said let it be, let it break from the weakest part. U can't control everything around u, trying to do so will only harm u... Sometimes u just have to sit back and let it flow. I'm there, sitting back and observing, letting myself, and my mind relax... Waiting for the correct time, and person. Maybe this is what I should have done from the beginning instead of trying to control it all. If someone leaves you, someone else will enter ur life, usually when u least expected. So I will let it be. No more thinking, no more fighting. I will only value the ones who deserve it. No more, just too tired... "sana bir onerim olacak; hayatindan mikroplari at." Such a lovely phrase from the song. I think, this is what I ought to do...

Cnr

Arkadasim saydiklarim tek tek giderken...

Bir yaprak dokumu yasiyorum. En yakinimda olan insanlar, en cok guvenecegim ve zor zamanlarimizi paylasacagimi zannettigim kisiler birer birer kayip gidiyor hayatimdan. Sadece gitmekle kalsalar iyi, benden bir parca aliyorlar ve bir daha geri vermemecesine arkalarini donup gidiyorlar. Ben kolayca affedebilen biri degilim, gidene kal demem asla... Benden kaynaklaniyor heralde, hepsi tek tek gidince akla baska bir sey gelmiyor. Ama giden her parca biraz daha eritiyor ve en sonunda aci kalmiyor, esik noktasi gecildiginde artik hep ayni, alisiyor insan eninde sonunda... Nelere alismadik ki.. Gun geldi en sevdigimiz insani ugurladik sonsuzluga, peki bugun alismadik mi? Baslamadik mi hayata tutunmaya, farkli ugraslar bulmadik mi? Baskalarina baglanmadik mi? Sebepler yaratmadik mi? Kendimizi oyalamadik mi? Yeri geldi kandirdik kendimizi... Once ilk okuldan arkadasim nedenini bilmeden cekti gitti, sonra ilkokul ve lise arkadasim kesti iliskiyi sebepsiz ve bunun uzerinden daha bir hafta gecti universitedeki en iyi arkadasimla iliskim calkalaniyor. Ben gene ayaklarimin uzerinde olucam, yarin hayatima neler getirir, neler goturur bunu bilmiyorum ama artik esik noktasini gectim, aciyor ama alisiyorum, hissizlesiyor sonunda... Ben yorgunum bu gibi iliskilerin pesinden kosmaktan. Bugun yanimda olanlar yarin beni birakirsa elbet biri olur gene yanimda, en azindan ailem var, onlar yanimdalar, desteklerini aramizdaki mesafeye ragmen fark ettirmiyorlar. Aramizdaki bag ve dayanisma benim zorluklarin uzerinden gelmeme cok yardimci oluyor. Ben bu arkadaslarimla aramdaki sorunu bir turlu cozebilecegimi dusunuyorum. Umudumu yitirmis degilim. Eger olmazsada elbet onlarin yerini alacak insanlar girecektir hayatima... Whatever tomorrow brings, I am ready to flow with it... Smile, because you might never get another chance in life to do so...

Cnr...

Drunkkkk

I wanna drink until I drop dead, for the first time in my life. Wanna be high, cool, without any worries. Just wanna live the moment. I got wine as alcohol which is not enough though but tomorrow I will stock up some stuff for sure... probably I'll head to sq1 and shop there... Academically everything seems to be fine. I have nothing due this week. Wanna go downtown though, get a new newt for the one tht died... have some good food hopefully not alone. it is to early for anything but don't have anything to do so I guess I am gonna drink and listen to soad for a while and hopefully I can get drunk tomorrow... Been too long since I last became drunk... Everybody's gotta learn sometimes... silly blog without any aims whatsoever...

ee

Such a lonely day and it is mine, the most loneliness day of my life... I'm ready, bring it on!!!!

one thing...

All these times I've wanted it n loosing my belief n hopes. Dunno, it's sad but to admit it... Well, nice memories that makes me smile when I recall them. Hope is the one thing that makes us moving, keeps us on track, and gives us the power to breath. Now that the hope is fading, it is just sad.

nightmare

Very weird nightmare indeed, I was on my was to the airport on a bus. I had the hamsters with me. I was planning to take them with me back home. Then on the bus I realized that I am not allowed to take them on the plane. I was trying to convince people to take care of the pets for me for two weeks. Very weird. N y only the four hamsters were in the dream I have no clue of. Well I am glad that I found a home for them for two weeks. Hopefully everything works out as planned and I don't have to try and take them with me back home.

...

Love

Bleeding...

So weird, my nose started bleeding intensely. can't stop it. had to stuff tissue paper. weird.

27 OCT 2010

Today I turned 21... seems like its been way too long and I've seen the most of what life has to offer. Seems really funny when I say it like this. 21 is nothing when compared to being even a grownup. In some countries they even accept people as adults after 21.

So far I am really grateful with life and all that I have and I don't have. I pray for the health and happiness of my family and all my loved ones. Through the years I've lived I learned one thing: that life is nothing if u don't feel happy. Even if you are rich, that doesn't help. Nothing can hold the place of a good friend, a companion. Life would be unbearable without them. Funny when we think that we know everything, experienced everything... So far I've tasted love, feeling n needing so badly for a single smile upon her face; thought I would do anything for her. Lost my line of thought and taste of life thinking about someone else. Tasted the bitter taste of loving someone without anything in return. Even helped my loved one with her love... So painful, yet couldn't bare seeing her the way she was. Wanting to help her with all my heart; a heart which no longer beats for me. Finally time healed what is left of the fire. Another two years have past so that it can restore itself. Now I look back and say that it was a different experience. Where you can love and hate someone so badly that it becomes addictive. Funny to see that I am once again ready to let my heart free of it's chains. I know that I am gonna burn once again but I really want to; and I need to. It's been just too long since my heart didn't beat for anyone else. My eyes haven't tasted anyone else's. My hands wanting to explore. I wanna burn once again... Feel comfy. I guess I have to trust once again, so hard to accomplish once its been mistrusted but necessary for a new beginning. I wanna swim in the blinding see of love, feel its warmth, and taste its bitter sweetness once and for all. As I leave one other year behind I am wishing the health of my loved ones and a person who I can trust and be together. Feels nice to know I am not alone; I can share anything without thinking any consequences. Love I beg u, come and surround me. I beg for u to change the beat of my heart... Wish is made, candles blown, finders crossed, and satellites turned on for any opportunities.

With every passing year my responsibilities seems to increase. I don't know what to make of this. Its nice to be able to stand on my own feet. I want to work soon. I want to experience different things with different people. For the first time in my life I've become an uncle. I wish her health and good fortune. I hope she turns out to be a really special person. It is scaring me to see that as the new members start to come into the family old ones seems to pack their belongings... Just to sad to know that one day I may not be able to see, speak, or cry on their shoulders. Life is a cycle and once u are done with ur role u leave it for the new comers. I hope nothing bad happens soon and the order is not broken.

This year more than 100 people congratulated my birthday on facebook, some e-mailed, and few called, even fewer came to see me. I can't tell how happy I've felt. Even thought our paths are separated with many of my high school friends we can still keep in touch electronically.

I am not gonna write anything in person. I just wish that everything goes well.

"All is well."

Cinar.

love...

really warming feeling to observe love...

doesn't have to be a human, just now I saw love from my cutieee...

Sunday Nights...

The worst day of the week for the majority of people since it is the last day of weekend. People who work start a new long week on monday and students who study start a new week as well. I guess only jobless people and babies have the comfort of not caring about whether or not it is sunday. Monday is the most loaded day for me fence I have a really high tendency of not liking sundays. Actually it doesn't really matter for me since I know how to make fun in many situations. If you are obligated to do something, then instead of complaining about it and making the situation harder to solve and get over with I always try to see the funny side of the situations. I guess it helps in many cases. Whatever, if it is Sunday today soon I will see thursday and friday. What really matters is how I spend the time that passes in between. Last friday I got a dwarf mouse and I named it 'ASKIM' which means 'my love'. I found it so cute but I am not sure about the gender yet. Doesn't really matter anyways. It is only active when I get it out of its cage. Apart from that it always sleeps. Kind of sucks. It was the smallest one that they had so I don't know if it gets more active later on. I hope it does... My family found it cute too. I don't think V liked it tht much but I remember her response to the geckos at first. Always so pre-judice against animals. I just love nearly all of them. I also have 3 beta fish. I love taking care of animals. I feel like they colour my mood whenever I need a push. I can either play with them or in the case of the fish I can just feed or observe them. It is really likely that I will have either a cat or a dog when I have my own job and my work. I know looking after animals really teaches so much. It teaches how to give love without anything back in return. If you can manage to spread love without asking any in return then you will get love plus you will not be down easily. It also teaches responsibility for sure. Looking after them and petting them and caring for them and taking them to the vet when they are sick is essential things that adds to our personalities. If I have enough time and money I will surely wanna look after some different animals... Actually as much as I can =)... I hope my mate and whoever I live with won't have anything to say against this because I am not gonna change, or hopefully not gonna change in this sense. I want my kids to grow up with pets. Well too much talking for a blog named Sunday, enough about pets. Only bad thing about Sunday nights for me is the work load that has to be covered before turning off the lights. Usually depending on the calendar you are on the work load varies but there is usually something that must be done for the week. In many cases there is some kind of event that takes up the time that you could have spent doing the job at hand. That is the most common problem we students face every week. This week I had a lot of reading to catch up since I have my midterm on wednesday but it didn't happen yet. There is still some time before I turn off my lights so I am hoping to catch up with at least 1 or 2 chapters of the textbook. Well well, many things that can be said about this day and obviously I love writing my thoughts down for future but I really believe I should get started with my reading NOW, instead of cramming the last minute...

A month gone and only 3 months left...

Time passes very quickly. It's been like yesterday that I only arrived here but one month went down the loo. Well so far so good. Academic wise I have no problem dealing the task at hand. Got some cool stuff for my room and finally it looks awesome. Today I had a meeting with the Best Buddies program. I guess it went well. It was more like a getting to know volunteers better. Soon I will be matched with a disabled person. I hope it brings good experience and I could be helpful to that person. I know everything will work out just fine. Only problem that I have currently is with my best friend. She is just too busy and I can't see her a lot. Probably only twice a week and we can't really do much. I understand her and her choices but still I would appreciate if I had more part in her life. For the first time in my life since I came to Canada I feel there is a distance between us. All I want is to chill once a week which I believe is quite reasonable... Lets see. I am done telling what I believe and thts tht. I can't push myself to her life if she doesn't want to. Guess relationships have their life times and sometimes these distances occur. Lets see I hope we'll be better soon. I am getting more responsibility this term and I will be quite occupied since my essays and exams have already started. I should add that this year is the year that I felt so good and healthy. I've met with more people since I live on campus. I can also see my old friends quite often. I am in the same classes with some of them. Mondays are killer for me; I start @ 9am and I am done @9.30pm. Apart from tht I guess I have no other loaded days. I am off fridays which is awesome. Next term I have something else on fridays... Love is still pending; guess there still is some time for me to meet the one. I have the patience... I hope I don't have to wait a lot though. I am happy that my family is healthy as well. I was just on the phone with her. It is 1.15am and she is returning home from a party... Seems funny when u think about it. She can't spend 2 hours with me but she has time to spend and come back late... Whatever... so be it... Everyone chooses their own destination with their choices and I should learn to respect everyones free choices. Who ever remains at the end of the day by your side is the people you should carry on with. Hopefully there will always someone besides you or life becomes really hard to bear. At least it is nice to know tht you will have your family at all times besides you. I see nightmares just too often nowadays and can't understand y... I usually don't remember my dreams but this week nearly every single day I saw something horrible. It just takes my energy at the morning I must say and I can't get a good night sleep. I hope this times passes. The thing is I am not stressed at all but maybe I know that I have just too much to do and this year there are just too many things at sake. I really need to raise my GPA or I have to drop out. I really wanna get my degree and continue with the life journey. I need a companion that I can rely all the time. Someone closer than the closest friend... Someone who will have the time whenever I need them. I am already ready to listen and care for that person... Sometimes there are things that you want to share with only very special people. Sometimes you want to put your head into someone's shoulder and drop all your guards; just relax... Knowing that during that time that person will take care of you and you can actually take a nice breath without any worries. Wouldn't that be really nice to find someone like that. I believe everyone needs to find someone that they can trust with their lives and that person should be really special. It should be someone you can share all your secrets without any doubts. Someone who will listen to you in all cases and someone who will never be prejudice about the things you do or say. It is really hard to live without de-charging. There has to be someone to charge your batteries. Someone that will stand by you no matter what. Yes, kind of impossible and maybe it is. Being perfectionist is really harmful but if you don't aim for %100 then how are you supposed to hit it. If you wait for a miracle then you just have to be damn lucky. I am someone who believes that we create our own chances and lucks. it is the way we perceive the world and our surroundings which creates the options that are before us. I also believe that we are a sort of energy and we attract not only people with the energy that we spread but also events as well. If our energy is too low or it is negative then it is silly to expect someone really helpful or positive. Whatever we radiate outside comes back to us. A smile will return to us as something positive. One help we do will benefit us one day when we really need it. Lets see I spat just too much for one blog and these things are all related but I think it is just too much for one night. If I am happy and positive everything around me will shape accordingly... Spread love to humans, animals and plants; it will all return back to u when u most need it...

After a very long time...

It's been a long time since I've last written a blog. This is my third year here, I am so used to everything now. I believe and actually now that this year is going to be an awesome year where all my expectations will come true... I am doing my best in achieving my goals. So back on campus... New term with new expectations. So far so good!!! I hope things carry out this way. There is no sign of love in the distance which is sad. I feel like that part of me is now rotting. It's been so long since I've ignored and tried to keep it away secured in a box that now I can't seem to find where it was. Or now after so long it has finally left me... What's funny is after all these times I feel ready for a new relation again. This time I know that I won't be making the same mistakes that I've made over the past. I am not going to value anyone any more than they deserve. I am not going to be a puppet. I hope things work out well. Friend wise I have no problems. I am lucky since I've got people whom I can agree and talk to as my roommates. No problem there. My room has never been so nice since I've came to Canada. I have 3 beta fish & 5 plants which really adds to me. Makes me relaxed and accompanies me all the time. I finally got rid of my old laptop which had many minor problems and got the best laptop I was really looking forward to buying. I got my phone changed with a better deal. I am hoping to get rid of my Bell plan as soon as possible. I got a speaker, ipod dock, & a radio all in one device. Seems cool. I've got a stone lamp on my desk which illuminates the room softly. My family is also fine. they are experiencing some minor health problems but hopefully nothing serious. I got good news from my grandfather that the people who owed us money from 5 years back is finally gonna make a payment. Not all but always better than none. Seems like life goes on as usual. Both of my cousins graduated from university and they found jobs. One of them got married and he now has a daughter. I hope he has a happy family. I have become an uncle =). No marriage on my part. I just have to deal with my grades so far. I have to write an assignment due tomorrow morning but seems like I am wasting my time here... Seems like I am gonna sleep late or have my first all-nighter for the term which is fine with me. So thts all for now and I gotta start my assignment NOW...