change.

lesson of the day...

never remove the coins from someones eyes... lol...

Unexpected day, i thought we would watch a movie on a laptop. We ended up going to the cinema. I had toooooo much fun. My day was not tht gud n never new how much i needed to laugh and get my mind off academics and etc... I knoe u had a busy day with 2 exams, probably tired. Thank for the movie and everthng... thnks for the smiles and the positive energy u give me... Canım...

btw, i came home. did the assignment. I'll revise and send tomorrow. will go over lec notes... and sleeeeeep peacefully...

best wishes... tc... ttyl...

...

=)

i dunno... confused n tried...

whatever tomorrow brings... hope...

lost sensitivity...

need love...

Canım...

I couldn't tell u today when we spoke... I know it hurts... after so long, trusting someone, getting used to tht person... sharing many emotions and memories together... hell ya, i knoe... Life goes on...

U might and might not end up together later on... so leave it for now...

I am facing some problems as well. u already heard them... nothng new...

The bottom line is...
CANIM we can be SUCCESSFUL and HAPPY... TRUST URSELF... and call ME or ANYONE when u wanna chat... I will be there for U...

here we go again...

some people never learn... or can't teach themselves... why does it happen over n over again... y have i lost it again... who cares... i just wanna be happy... be active once again... all my body aches... my mind too... please... let somethng change... i just wanna be happy... i just wanna understand, i just wanna concentrate...

life is and life will be...
no more worries... i simply can't... love conquer me once again... =)=)

let it be...

=)

=) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =) =? =? = ==))))

bir dilek...

lütfen... elimden tutup bana yol gösterecek ve beni mutlu edecek birini çıkar karşıma...

My birthday...

I've never felt so terrible in my life... I was sleeping all day... couldn't smile back... felt horrible...

Thank u so much V for tht picture slide thing u've sent me... n always being there...

v

I really don't wanna go to a rural place yet. I wanna get the diploma. I don't mean it when i say tht i wanna go there...

I'm just so tired... Yea excuses... excuses................ i'm just tired.

I will chance..............

nowadays i am just tired...

tired...

Few thoughts...

a warmth inside me... feel peaceful...

Slept yesterday, with the help of the sea shell.... lol... (thanks V)

Tonight I will use different techniques to sleep =)... so funny, i never thought I would have problems for something as simple as sleeping... Life is full of surprises... Life is has many variables... It doesn't matter how hard you try to be ready for what is to come... Variables can change so rapidly... What you planned would not work... You just have to SMILE and TRY AGAIN, maybe exactly the same way, OR maybe in a slightly different way... You have to have true friends, your thoughts may be foggy, you might even loose your hopessssss. A friend is someone who you can chill, chat, share memories and/or emotions and etc... A friend is someone who does whatever you say. A true friend is someone who contradicts you whenever you are about to make a mistake. Coming back to sleep thingy... Your mental health is what makes you really who you are. If you trust yourself, get a good sleep =)=), then there should not be any problems... After all my exams I hated the fact that they were so simple... If I had good sleep and didn't exaggerated n stressed during the exam, I would have ended up getting a higher marks...

I no longer know what tomorrow will be like, neither do I wanna think. Whatever tomorrow brings I will SMILE and do my BEST...

It is still not late for my academics... I can do it... and yes I have HOPE, not only for my academics but for whatever to come on my path...

Life is simple if you take it easy... NEVER miss an opportunity to SMILE and LAUGH...

I feel happy =)=)=)

Date: 10.21.09
Cnr...

sleep...

i want to sleep... i want to sleep... i want to sleep...

no more thoughts... let it be... trust urself... u need tht sleep so badly... don't loose your hopes...

i want to sleep... i want to sleep... i want to sleep...

THIS WEEK...

This week is gonna be a good one...

I've made mistakes and I am to change all of them this week...

. get furniture, start sleeping =)
. get a curtain or a blind...
. be strong...
. it's never fair, just smile...
. talk to the psy prof. - let him help u...
. fsl prof. - learn all the necessary things from her... study hard for it...
. ers group meeting... don't go under responsibilities u can't do...
. decide whether or not to drop course(s)
. be careful with what u are eating... don't loose more kilos... not funny anymore...
. study and read all the courses...
. chill when u can...
. don't stress... please don't...
. SMILE for real...

if i fail i will start medication...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

V, I know that you have a busy week coming... I will not be calling you because I don't know whether or not u are studyng or busy with somethng else... I will be seeing u on tuesday =)... I don't have any exams this week... Call me, I'll do my best to make u smile... BELIEVE IN YOURSELF... My best wishes...

=)

libraries can be fun... relaxing... peaceful...

Amazing time...

cooking tips =)

tht baby did this, did tht book was extremely funny =)=)

Thanks V... for being there always n being who u are...

Life is ...

screw tht !!!

Lets start with something simple =)=)

SOC100H5 is ....


Date: 10.12.09
Cnr...

for V....

=)

Welcome back........................................ =)=)=)=)=)=)

I felt it inside... after so long... I did... HAPPINESS... I was walking... One deep breath n I felt pure love... So relaxing, so refreshing... I thought I lost that ability forever... Inner peace came back =)=) My madness came back... My trust all returned to me... Worries are gone... I will do it... PURE LOVE...

LOVE to LOVE life...

One wish... (revised)

I wanna succeed...
I want my headaches to leave me alone forever...
I want to be REALLY happy n REALLY smiling...
I just wanna find the inner piece that I lost long ago...
I don't wanna think so much on everything... NO WORRIES... --> weakens me n kills my hopes slowly...
I am thankful for the things tht I have n also the things tht I don't have...
I will not start medication again...
I will not let my emotions affect my academics...
I will be happier...
The reasons are long gone so no need to be sad for the things tht I can't even remember...
I wanna chill n have fun...
I am gonna succeed in doing all of the above n live a happy long life with REAL friends n family(present one n the one tht i am gonna form)...

Thank u V for always helping me to the logical n right decisions...

...

:(

:)

:'(

:')

Ezgi...

The way we met was very weird... unpredicted... U were always unpredictable... When i thought i would make u happy u would fail me... actually not always... never knew what u actually meant to me until i lost u last year... I should have trusted u way be4... I didn't... I had a very painful love experience when I met u... U already knew, probably u knew tht i would fail to love u because my heart was with someone else... U didn't trust me at the beginning... I remember the first day u came to my house, u were so excited, ur hands were cold n ur face went red =)=)... we watched a comedy movie... i dont remember the movie... but i remember how u where with all the details... u failed to see but i was so excited n red tht day... I cried when u slept on my shoulder, u never knew, never told u... I failed to tell u how much i loved u because i didnt know it myself at tht time... i realized it after loosing u... i knew i was feeling something towards u but failed to understand what i was feeling... I thought i was only there because i wanted to forget the other Ezgi... probably thts what drew me to u at the first place but i failed to realize tht i actually loved u after knowng u... thts y i never kissed u from ur lips... U never told me tht u loved me either, but u made it so obvious with the way u hugged me and the way u looked right into my eyes... Yea there where text messages... Thousands of them... U never told me but u wrote n send me... I could read it them from ur messages but i wouldnt trust them... i was feeling way to much complicated feelings... I wanted to hear it from ur mouth... not from text messages... I could sense ur love but was never sure... I was so afraid to harm u... I was so afraid to tell u tht i might not be loving u the way u loved me... I didnt wanna make u sad, thts y i always kept my distance... I knew u had horrible love experiences... maybe thts y u kept ur distance also... I was never too sure... never wanted to harm u and didnt wanna feel another love burden... when i lost u, i realized how much u actually meant to me... All the walks we had together... all those times we sat on the bench in front of ur apartment... We couldn't tell to each other in words tht we loved each other... probably because of what we've went through... Couldn't trust... Even though we failed to name it, we both sensed it... we had so many arguments, and so many good times...

I feel horrible after talking to u... because i miss u... i can forgive all the bad things between us but i cant forget them... can we stay as friends... i honestly cant know... I love u but i know i shouldn't... Probably u went through the same confusion as i did go through... tht might be a reason y u never told me n i could never tell u... all the pain i had shows me tht i can love u again but i really shouldnt... if u cant tell me tht u love me, i will feel it... i cant forgive u for not telling it directly to me without the text messages... i understood y u couldn't but still waited u to tell me...

Never saw u during the summer, did my best to see u... I knew u would say tht ur phone had problem... i knew it... the only thing is i cant believe it... if u really wanted to see me u would make it possible somehow... if i was really tht important u would have reached me from facebook, e-mail, msn, n even my cell... again i can understand y u didnt contacted me... u were afraid to see me... and i was afraid to see u... i was afraid to love u again, i told myself not to but my heart never listens my logic... u said u were not ready to see me in ur last text u sent me... n trust me i wasnt either... all i wanted to hug u... tell u how i missed u... but tht was all. different countries, wouldnt work... i would be thinking u all the time instead of my courses... so i had no intention to start it all over again... but u not contacting me pained me so much... i felt i deserved to see u one last time... only 30 minutes of any day would be enough for me... now u say tht ur phone wasnt working and u were too busy n feel so bad tht we couldnt... life is hard but u could have spent at least 30 minutes, or even 10 mins... i came and saw ur commencement... at least i kept my promise... yea i went early tht day... probably u were angry at me... u texted me asking y i didnt wait n see u... i lied saying i had to wake early... i knew tht i wouldnt be able to hold my tears when i saw u... so i ran tht day... but then wanted to see u later... than u ran away by not contactng me... i can understand u, see i did the same mistake on the commencement nite but i wanted to fix it... no matter how hard and emotional it would be seeing u, i really wanted to see u one last time before leavng the country... U were always hard to understand, always unpredictable... i had to sense everythng all the time i was with u... d u know how much it pained me to guess what u were feeling?? i so wished u told me... i so wished tht u came to say bye to me... i so needed it... i feel so much regret for the things i failed in telling u... but u never told me anythng................... u made it hard for me to realize tht i actually loved u by making everythng a puzzle for me... i so wished tht u just told me once tht u loved me... i cant n wont do anythng with my assumptions... i suffered way too much and so u too... i would never hurt u by saying i dont love u... because deep inside i knew i might be... but so many confusion... couldnt trust.... just wasnt possible miniğimmm... thinking all the consequences and what i or u did wrong will not change anythng... i lost u... n i loved u.... d i still love u??? i forgot what love is........ i cant love anymore... thts not true... i can... but dont want to.... no more regrets or pains... everythng is so fresh, all the bad attempts tht i had.... all those arguments..... who can blame me if i am so scared of trusting a new person.... i can.... but i am afraid to.... i want to... and yet i dont want to.... Ezgi we can never be together again... i am wish u can find someone tht would love u and take care of u.... i really tried to but failed... i know u dont hate me but u should be blaming me for so many things tht i didnt do... i knoe... i wasnt the best... i wish u'll find someone tht really loves u like i did but shouldnt be scared to take a step like i was =)=)

i can n will never forget u E... i really loved and cared for u... i still do care for u... but cant/shouldnt love u the way i once did and failed to realize... just be happy at ur new university, new city... i hope everythng goes as u planned and u really find someone tht would never harm u....

=)

It was a very long week =)=)... My body is tired, but i am happy.... Dunno how i did in the exam but still the fact tht it is over and i did my best pleases me... I hope I will get a decent mark. It will motivate me for more... Even if I won't get something nice I will try my best to do better next time...

I am so glad tht i came to sq1 with u... If i listened u and went home I would have missed the time we spent together... I was so tired n i still am (didn't sleep yet =) ) I felt so happy n peaceful... wished we had more time available in our schedules... I am missing last year, i had the chance to see u everyday n longer....

V...

Canım....

Date: 09.24.09
Cnr...

y?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

pains so much............. i just lost a friend............................................................. spoke to her, tried my best to explain.................... she wouldnt listen............................... she was too angry......................................... my soul is in pain........................................ hating myself...................................................... still tryng hard........................................i tried to explain it to her, just so angry........................................... what she said hurt me........................... i lost a friend today, not only a friend but my roommate............................. thts what i meant V........................ life is not being fare........................... y today n not after my exam so tht i can study.......................... life isnt fair n no one knows how hard it is for me.................... different country, no family, n loosing the few friends tht i have.............. i can be lonely.............. maybe i deserve to be................ no one knows, no one cares........... only u V, n i feel like i dont deserve to be ur friend.................. see i am a complete piece of shit, no worth..............

once again........ hurts way too much.......

im tryng my best, i really am.............. i feel like a looser, but i will succeed...

after the STORM...

Finally my emotions are settling down... I am adapting.... All the new changes in my life... all my worries tht i had are settling down... so tired of worrying, in other words i can no longer worry... no power left in me... i became careless... once again i trust myself and once again i realized i am much better when i am calm. My instincts help me when i am not drowning them with my worries and stress. I am human being, therefore i can make MISTAKES. if i learn from my mistakes there is no problem... All those mistakes tht i fail to forget or forgive... they are still in my mind, they weaken me. Seeing many sides to a single case and not being able to forgive or sentence myself... those memories of mine weaken me... i wanna resolve them, analyze them. I dont wanna let go of my mistakes, i really dont wanna forget them... If i dont analyze them n get a lesson out of them then it is a strong possibility tht i can repeat my mistakes... instead of failing many times, i choose to fail once and learn from it... analyze well so tht i am not doing the same mistakes over n over again... LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT. People who succeed know this. Many of them went through very hard times and those who managed to analyze and made lessons out of their mistakes became happy... I see tht example whenever i speak to an elder who i find successful in life... All of them suffered at some time of their life... they just learned how valuable the life is, being able to smile... being able to love.... being able to love and not expect anythng in return... love everything.... Life is hard and for the ones tht wanna move forward and become someone better it will have some challenges, surprises... Only the ones tht really learn from their mistakes can bear all those surprises n challenges... LIFE IS AN EXPERIMENT n there is no age for learning... i was so embarrassed of asking questions to people last year.... Only know i managed to see tht it was a damn big mistake......... The answer to ur question can make ur life so simple.... All the stress is fading, i am adapting to all the new things in my life... I feel much better... N as long as i can follow my learned life lessons i see no way of failure... The path to success is possible, hard work, dedication, and strong nerves... i now i can... i really wanna.... Live the most of NOW and remember the mistakes u've done in order to avoid doing them again... Life will be easier if u don't repeat over n over again =)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)=)

No matter how hard the life becomes, u can succeed if u take the FIRST STEP.... always the hardest step but once u've manage to take the first step things will become easier..... One saying " starting is %50"... U might fail... If u do.... analyze n learn what u've done wrong, in other words make valuable life lessons for urself... NEVER give up..... never stop BELIEVING in YOUrself..............................................................

n NEVER hesitate to LOVE... if u love something(s) or someone(s) life becomes easier........

Date: 09.17.09
Cnr...

stop it.................. no more thoughts.......................please..........................give me a break................................my energy is decreasing...........................need to study........................want to study...............................begging for no more surprises..................................i need the time to study n i need a relaxed mind to understand................................i know i can do it...........................falling behind..........................pains me...............................loosing my emotions...................................is it gud, i dunno.........................to much for me to bare, no more bad surprises........................... i can feel it happening............................. scared............................. will do my best to fight it.....................after 3 years i knew it would be hard n painful........................ last chance to love myself, trust myself, believe in myself.................... i will do it this time......................... or i will not resist the darkness................. tomm i will catch up..................... lost a weekend but wasnt completely my fault...................... unexpected things happened...................... i want to succeed................... feelings n emotions, feeling them way too much...................... too much is harming me...................sucking my life energy......................... sucking all my hopes n dreams...................... i just wanna catch up with my studies n i will.................... tomm i have to get a microwave but i will save my energy for studyng.................. studyyyyyyyy......................... i willlllllll...............i really wanna............... i need to.................there is no other way to cure my soul................... past is past...............have to forget all for now...................... need energy...................... I WILL DO IT.............=((((((((((((((((((........................ i just wanna be a little happy................... a little more relaxed........................ am i asking for too much........................who cares, i am gonna do it....................... i know deep inside tht i can do it very well........................ be organized, make plans..............................n STUDYY N ENJOY WHILE U STUDY......................... no meaning if u only read it.............................LOVE IT............................ENGAGE.............................SUCCEED....................

DATE................ DUNNO...........
CNRRRRR

First week: DONE !!!

First week is gone...

My feelings are so complicated...
Mind is full of thoughts...
In need of studying...
Small arguments...
CONFUSION...
Aims n goals...
Expectations..
Beliefs...
Hope...
Hard work...
Pain...
Cries...
Needs...
Mistakes...
Concentration...
First step...
Soul on fire...

no complete sentences... brainstorm... gotta pull myself together very quickly... catch up n go ahead of classes... breath... never loose ur hope... no matter what happens, no more regrets this year... =)=)=)

i hope we all succeed... God, help people who REALLY deserve it... dunno if i am in tht category, whatever =)=)...

Date: 09.13.09
Cnr...

everything in life happens for a reason...

I believe everything happens for a reason... even the bad things.... mistakes.... i believe they are to warn us to be more careful next time... "a wound tht doesnt kill u, makes u stronger." Every passing day my belief increases in this way... yea, all those mistakes i made, all those stuff i felt so emberassed n regret actually thought me valuable life lessons...

I have a weird feeling... if i smile, be happy n make people happy, the rest will come... all the stress n worries i have right now are for a reason... the reason why i feel them is becaz i screwed up so badly last year... i lost my self respect... now i want to be successful so much... actually need it so much... but i am scared tht i might not... there u go... explanation to all my stress... i feel deep inside tht i will be okk this year. i will only fail if i let my stress overcome my life energy, n my hopes... be happy n if u cant fake it to be happy... too much stress will harm me... relax... still cant breath normally, 1 year passed... i am way better than i once was but still i am lacking the inner peace... those thoughts lasting hours n in return i feel headache...

everything in life happens for a reason... i want to be successful so tht i can help other people... so tht they wouldnt suffer the way i did... i feel deep inside tht i will succeed... n when i do, i will help all those people who helped me... starting with my mother who sends all her retirement money to me every month... god knows how much tht hurts me.... after working 40 years she deserves to spend tht money for herself... instead she sends it to me... unfair... n still she is happy... my grandfather paying all my tuition... all these sacrifices n many more tht i know... how will i ever pay all these favors... how can i stop worryng n stressng when people just work their asses... too much responsibility... i feel so much pressure on top of my shoulders... carryng it all the time... god give me the strenght tht i need... please... if i fail this time i cant look at their faces... just cant... god give them strenght, hapiness n health... those people really deserve it... giving everythng n living in a lower standarts so tht someone else can get a better education... every single day these thoughts haunt me... weeken me... n at the same time add too much to me...

everything happens for a reason... if i never suffered, how would i ever be happy with small things... i just wanna believe, smile n be happy, make happy... if i never went so down, how on earth would i ever supposed to know how precious a single smile is... seems funny to think tht once i was praying for a single real smile... not to long ago... this year i cant afford to loose... not only my family, there are very special friends tht help me... i wanna look at those people right in the eye n tell them how much they mean to me... how much i love n respect them...

too much to do... i will do them all, as best i can...

everythng in life happens for a reason...

Date: 08.31.09
Cnr...

analyzing the moment...

so blurry... i am so tired n yet still i force myself to move forward... before i came here i made some plans... life is so unexpected... my plans were to get a desk, bed n chair immediately so tht i can check some course material before the classes start...... I feel way tooo worried for my coming academic year... It is really normal after screwing up so bad last year... I know by heart tht this is my last chance... love my friends and life tht i have here... I wanna stay n be successful.. I know i can... n yet i am so scared from the if not case... if i fail again this year i know i will be loosing more than the oportunity to have a good education. i can face with all the worries n stress i got at the moment... thts nice... i need a little bit of stress in order to succeed. sometimes i loose my hope... sometimes all these worries n thoughts weakeness me so much, i loose time, my hunger and whatsoever... As the first day approaches it gets harder... just breath... slowly.... clear ur mind... it didnt started yet.... keep ur positive attitude..... damn weird.... one side of me is so sure tht i can do it but the other side of me is just so worried.... tht side of me is so aware of the consequences if i fail.... so sure tht my uni life will end..... i have other plans.... yea.... no matter what happens i will still be me... not the end of the world.... my wish is to graduate with a psychology diploma.... i am sure tht i can help other people....

Dunno what will happen........ i wish for the best, what ever path suits me the most.....

i am a light leaf. very strong wind separated me from a mapple tree. i'm trying my best to resist n stay in one piece. flying to an unknown destiny....

Date: 08.27.09
Cnr...

SO HAPPY, PEACEFULL...

i was so scared, actually worried before i came here... too many questions on my mind... Had too much stress tht harmed my sleeping... Stress is the reaction we show to new things in our livesss. This year i am starting a new program, new home... i knew it was very normal for me to worry since getting a diploma means a lot to me... It will help me become someone...

Had a hard and tiring journey... Couldnt sleep easily yesterday, still had many stuff in my mind... had to do many things, organised them in to order and started doing them... Can't believe how fast and easy they are finishing...

I feel so great now.. Here i am... all the unknowns started to shape up before me... i know the place tht i am gonna live, i thought what i can get to my room, gotta fix the floor be4 gettng anythng. Talked to the management about it. She was a very funny and sweet lady... seems like she is gonna help me get it fixed soon.. Tht was one of the worries tht vanished, i thought the new manager would be someone tht would not help... all worries gone =)=)...

Missing my country, family and friends so much.... I have to thank all of my friends here for making it so easier for me to adapt again... I will start with V and T, thank u for coming to see me on 22nd... Cant tell u how lonely and miserable i felt after tht long journey... Seeing u helped me pull myself together and defenitally changed my mood... Thank u both for the things u brought me.... Still using them... very thoughtful of u to carry them all the way... Thank u... Thank u D for looking after my baby geckos... they look so healthy... Thank u P for the sofa u gave to us and also lookng after my geckos when D went to his home. Thank u for bringing the pets to my doorstep... Thank u A, always nice chatting to u, tht shower curtain u brought saved my life... lol... not kidding a bit...

Thank u V for coming to sq1 and spending the day with me... loved the movie, really wanted to see it... Really nice spending time with u... U always change my mood...

THANK YOU ALL for being my friends... each of u have a seperate place in my heart... After all those stress and worries i never thought i would feel so peacefull n happy in just 2 days... I hope i wont loose u... or hurt u... thank u ... thnk u... thnk u... thank u.... for everthing u've added to my life n all those things to come... U are my family here...God knows how lonely i would feel without u...

Date: 08.24.09
Cnr...

Rest in PEACE... n Happy Birthday...

6 years ago tonight... maybe even these very same minutes... I was only 14 years old then but the memories are so vivid n live...

Some scenes are so strong and so powerful, so meaningful... I can forget everything maybe my own name but cant forget those memories...

. the times u thought me how to drive... i was barely 6years old. couldnt reach the pedals... U handeled the pedals and i hold the steering wheel... so much fun... real n pure hapiness
. the times u sang ruppediya lullaby to me... cant remember how small i was... face expressions and ur voice is still in my memory...
. ur jokes and positive energy...
. the day we went to fishing... learned how to fish from u... maybe thts y i dnt wanna go fishing anymore... remember how much i miss u... remember how u filled the bucket with fishes all alone...
. all the times u carried me on ur shoulders... u made me flew like a superman...
. remember how strong u always were... didnt matter what happened, u looked fine... even when u suffered u had a smile there... maybe not a real one but u had it...
. i will never n ever forget how u thanked ur wife... withnessed the situation from the kitchen... u were standing in the corridor... i had rice stuffed in my mouth... then saw u called her... standing on ur feet without any help... U couldnt speak... u just looked at her... followed ur lips and saw u thanked her... then gave her tht one single rose... time froze... rice stood in my mouth, unable to swallow... then u hugged her... u both cried softly... all my family did... no sound but tears racing to reach the ground first... first time i ever saw u cry n the last time... so special...
.i remember the day u grabbed me and kissed me from the forehead... slowly... felt it at tht second... u were saying bye... just felt it... new how much u suffered pain... u knew u would never see me... did my best to prevent the tears... succeeded... i remember how u looked at me... felt the pure feelings... u didnt say anything with words but i saw it in ur eyes... i was 14 but i just understood it... On ur birthday 17 August 2003 we gathered at ur place... u were laying on a sofa... remember everyone's face tht day... we had a birthday cake... u never saw it... u opened ur eyes, just a little... probably didnt recognise any of us... unconcious.... u were in a seperate room. people came one by one... celebrated ur birthday... ur immune system was so weak tht we couldnt even kiss u from the cheeks... we kissed ur hands instead... i spoke to u when we were alone in the room. no replies or any indication tht u heard me... but i spoke anyways... i just felt it coming... Went back to my home, felt so bad... and came a text from my cousin... read the text... he said he was very sorry for my lost... few drops more drops of what was left in my eyes dripped... Ur pain ended tht was my only support...

I came today 17 August 2009... looked at u... no tears came then... so much emotion tht i dont remember driving back... brought u flowers... looked at ur grave... saw the green plant tht grew wildy on u... i hope u are happy grandpa... Never could told u how special u were to me... never had the chance... learned so much from u... wished i can hug u one more time... i would give anythng for tht... nearly 2am and i have to wake up at 4am... 2 hours... maybe i'll hug u in my dream... no one saw; did my best not to be seen, i cut my rope wristlet n put it in ur grave when it was my turn to showel soil 6 years ago... keep my gift... have ur moustashe n beard style... still wear wristlet... missed u... rest in peace... n happy birthday... born n gone on 17th August... coincidence...

U never know what will happen therefore u've gotta LIVE THE MOST OF NOW...

Date: 08.18.09
Cnr...

begging

Praying tht i dont have to change my dreams... feeling angry, betrayed and foolish... regret... could have prevented it... felt it coming... now i am left with only one option... sit n wait... please....... cant control my heart beats... please dont let me learn a lesson the hard way... i got the lesson out of this... I wanted this n made plans all summer... how unsudden... life can change just in few seconds or like in this case with a little negligence... i promise to be more careful... please dont let my dreams change... i set all my actions accordingly... major change... i'll adapt if i have to... but feel tht it would nt be the same... i just wanted it sooooo much... begging tht everything will go okay and i wont have to face the consequences... my main goal will never change in both cases but still dont wanna make up my mind... all summer i set my mind just like a clock... tic toc tic toc... GOD realising how much plans i made... hurts so much to see tht it can all go away n all i can do is sit n wait... and yea pray... begging u so much with all my heart... i will do my best at both situations...

Date: 08.13.09
Cnr...

...

feel gud... hopeful n happy...

Date: 08.05.09

Cnr...

Following my instincts...

So weird but it really happened. I went to her summer place... I dropped my sis somewhere close to where she lived and then on my way back home i just felt like going to tht direction... I followed my instinct... I couldn't believe how i found the place so easily... I just went there once in my life n somehow i knew where to go... Something even more weird is I parked exactly the same place I parked when i came the first time... After tht i knew what to do... it was more than just the instincts... i walked to the sea side where we met n spoke... exactly the same way as i remembered it... sat there... felt so bad... just cried... softly so tht no one could hear... I walked around the place n i called her.. not knowing whether she is home or not... she didnt answer my calls so i texted her no replies... If she picked my phone i had no idea what i would say. I'd probably say tht i am sitting at the very wooden seat once we used to sit n chat... all the nice things tht we once had came to me so vivid... Couldnt bare the pain all of them brought back... never realised tht i really missed her... tht she became so important to me... Never realised untill i lost her... how stupid i've acted... so childish... many words unsaid... feeling one part of me bleeding... slowly... something tht would never kill n never heal... Should have realised all these before coming to this point...

i love u...

ur gone... u'll never know...

how many mistakes do i need to make untill i learn....

will i ever be happy?? will i ever have the courage to love someone again?? will my wounds ever heal?? So much for me, cant stand it... i need to smile n move on... but can i?? i feel like i am hurting all the people around me.... dont wanna hate myself nymore... y is it so hard to start a new page in my life??? so alone... so powerless... failure... not given up yet...

What are we living 4??

Date: 07.24.09

Cnr...

no words left to say, only few drops of tears drain...

feels so different now... i thought i was angry at her... even went to her graduation ceremony just to keep my promise... Thought tht after all her stabs in my heart it would just end... just get over with her and everything tht reminded her... so mistaken i was... i had this terrible feeling of something missing, something terribly wrong... (blog: buried boxes) Never understood the reason of those feelings tht slowly dragged me into depression... Yesterday all of a sudden i wanted to call her... so i did... she didnt pick up my call... I thought to myself she wouldnt wanna hear my voice... just then a text came... she said she is not available to talk with me because her father was in the hearing range... i just told her tht i wanted to see her in person before i leave my country again... she replied back saying tht she is not quite sure tht she is mentally ready for such a meeting... i assured her tht it would be a chat, something pleasant and she shouldnt worry... So texts went back n fort... i realised tht weird stupid feelings tht i had and wouldnt let me free was some inner side of me feeling guilty for just running away from her. We hurt each other... none of it was on purpose... we both went through horrible years n we knew what it was to loose somebody... I perfectly know tht there is no possibility of us being back together... not even a glimpse of doubt... Neither i or her would dare to erase all the bad things tht happened between us and start over as if nothng happened. Tht was what she ment when she said i dont know if i am ready for such a meeting... so i assured her tht it wouldnt be like tht... i choose my words in those texts with

special care not to resuscitate any bad memories... It made me remember how and why i loved her... After all those texts she said she would let me know when she would be available to meet me again... i really dont know whether or not i am ready for such a meeting myself... we'll see if it happens...

all i want is to thnk her all the good memories we shared and hug her for the last time... i hope she doesnt run away from this... after all she still occupies a space in my heart... Something she will never know... i wish all the best for u... i hope u will find someone who will take care for u... my little... MİNİĞİM... :' )

Date: 07.18.09

Cnr...

Buried Boxes...

My mind is racing all the time...something not quite right... Something is always missing... I can feel it but i can't understand what is missing. Hurts me so much to see tht myself walking in a fog... no distance, blindly running... Doing many things... many things... Trying not to waste a minute... so tired and yet still not knowing what is the missing thing... Something coming from deep inside... maybe an emotion maybe not... Obviously something tht i buried within me... it's trying to come out but it can't succedd... Whatever tht is wants to burst out of me... something so wrong... fear... loneliness, pain... those feelings reaches the surface... whatever burried deep inside me causes these...

Probably the most happiest summer i have ever had... Last 2 summers i wasnt well but this summer all recovered. Everything is so great, in order... I can do most of the things i want... Reached many elementary friends n still in touch with college friends. My family is together and despite the small disturbances we are all happy... Everyone admires how many stuff i fit into a single day... I've been repairing stuff, planting and decorating the garden, cooking, studying for the upcoming courses, driving, shopping, swiming, successful diet... Everyone points me admiringly... Most important of all i feel happy and getting ready for a better academic performance... Everything is perfect, more than i would ever expect... but what is this feeling tht surfaces too much within me... Scares me so much. I am forcing myself to much and doing all these different sorts of things so that i feel better, so tht i feel tht i have a value... GOD what did i burried long ago n now came to hunt me. I have no clue whatsoever is causing this weird n hard to describe disturbance tht i randomly feel... Whatever this is i hope i am ready to face with it...

Last time something like this happened i failed to manage. This time i aint loosing my control... Whatever u are just stay where i burried u =)=)...

LIFE goes on n i aint gonna miss it for some weird feelings =)=) Lets hope for the best =)

Date: 07.08.09

Cnr...

Emotions Revealed...

Yesterday I went to the graduation ceremony at my high school. After 10 years staying in that campus for the first time I went there not for education but for fun. When you are still in school it is hard for you to see the beauty in your campus. Once you are done with the school and campus you realise what you never realised before. You see a piece of heaven not a place you suffer. It was nice being in my old campus. Very green, old teachers... etc... Yesterday night had another significance. It was the day when senior class had their ceremony in the anfi-theater.

I went there around 6.30pm. Ceremony was at 8.30pm. I went there with my cousin. She is still educating in the high school. Next year she will be the senior class. Another purpose for me to go to the ceremony was a promise that I gave more than a year ago. I promised to my ex-girlfriend to attend her graduation ceremony... I'm glad that I went there yesterday. The only problem here is that we broke up 2 months ago when she sent me an e-mail with very harsh accusations towards me. Since then we never spoke or communicated each other anyway. I came back on May 4th and for one month I never saw her or communicated her due to the last e-mail I received. For the sake of the old times I went to the graduation ceremony yesterday. Since I went 2 hours before the ceremony I had a chance to see her before the ceremony. I thought I could talk to her and wish her goodluck with whatever is an her life-path. I never thought or realised that seeing her in flesh few meters away from me would make me feel so confused, troubled, sad, and emotional. When our eyes met I couldn't walk up to her and automatically walked away from her. I hoped she didn't realise that I did that on purpose... I really don't care if she did... After all she said and done I really don't care about this little detail... Attending the ceremony should be far more enought after the things we experinced... My eyes were full after walking away from her and I am really glad that I had a large dark sun-glasses to cover up those emotions from others. I went somewhere up so that I can see all the senior people getting ready and no one would realise that I am looking at them especially her... Finally at 8pm they were called to take graduating class photo. I went to the anfi-theater and found nearly 30 friends that graduated with me last year. I had a chance to chat with them and calm down... Worst part was that the last thing I ate was a silly lunch and I am glad that I didn't faint right there... I felt more emotions due to my empty stomach. Ceremony took nearly 3 hours. Long boring speeches before calling everyone name by name to hand their diplomas. When the principal called her name and the big screen showed her photo I felt nothing... no joy, no sadness... seeing her there getting her diploma should be something that made me really happy but after all there I was seeing her there and feeling nothing good or bad... My mind stopped working so that the visual information sent from my eyes had no feelings or thoughts inside my head. After the ceremony there was a reception where small cakes and drinks distributed without any price. I went to the reception and stood close to my friends. I had some food but not much. I lost my appetite after seeing her. I felt so tired and unenergetic. I decided that it was time for me to leave. I said farewell to my friends and to my cousin and went to the car. I drove to the ferry boat. I texted her wishing good luck and farewell. I wrote to her that I came to her ceremony as I promised her previously. When I was in line for the ferry boat my cousin called me. She told me that my ex-gf came to her and asked where I was. I felt weird again. So she did see me there... Apart from seeing me she saw that I ran away when I had the chance to speak to her in person... When I hung up the phone my ex replied my text. She thanked me for coming and she added that she would prefer if I didn't run away like that... She knew it all... I had to think a lot before replying her. I had to find something clever to get out of this situation. I couldn't told her the truth because if I told her that I couldn't trust my feelings and thats why I ran away like that she would try to get close to me again. I couldn't let that happen, not after all we've experienced together. Couldn't bare to start all over again. SO instead I told her that I didn't understand what she ment by saying running away like that. I tried to show her that I didn't see her... I know she is smart enough not to believe in it but still. I added in my reply that it is her day to be happy and start a new life. Her last reply for the night was the most shocking thing for yesterday. She told me that there are things I do not understand about that last e-mail I received from her. The e-mail that made me so sad nearly 2 months ago... She also told me that she would explain it some time later this week through a text message or an e-mail. So weird... Her last e-mail was way too clear for missunderstandings... I am afraid to hear what is with this last e-mail that I need to know. Whatever that is something is certain... That is being together is not even an option for us... We harmed each other too much to start over. I can't forget what is done. Thats why I walked away yesterday before the ceremony when I had a chance to speak to her. I was way afraid of my feelings and the probability of getting back with her... Wounds that she created on my heart are still to fresh... I really don't think that I am ready to get any more of those wounds from her or from anyone else. Thats why I can't fall in love... all to protect from what is left of a heart...

Right now it is 19:34 and it is the day after the ceremony and she did not contact me to explain that e-mail yet... I am curious and afraid at the same time...

Date: 06.16.09

Cnr...

Burst of feelings...

Unfortunately... with big diet comes big responsibilities... As a person who never stood hungry for so long... a person who never even thought of applying a diet; I had my first major problem. I am never full in the stomach... My diet is very tense... First week had no meat... This week have 120g of meat only at dinner... 120g is 3 small meatballs or half a fish... 

Today I was with my father all day. I couldn't even eat all my diet on time and fully... When i came home i felt so had... angry, sad, shocked, and most importantly dead... After eating some small diet stuff felt a little better. I acted so inpatient, so rude to whoever I spoke to... I drove 80 kilometers to and back to home... Since i felt so bad i drove fast and felt like i was i a car racing... Nearly got in two radars on my way back. Got lucky since cops where having their meal when i passed them. 

Todays lesson: Never eat less than what my diet lets me. Never miss times or i became someone i am not !!!

Date: 05.24.09

Cnr...

Weird...

Came back from living room. I was shocked. There was a pigeon on my bed. We had a second to see each other... Than the pigeon rushed out of the window. Most weird part of all is the blind was more than half down allowing only the size of a pigeon to get in... Both scared... unexpected... Poor thing hit the blind tryng to get away in a rush... It will survive though... stil can fly perfectly. In our culture pigeons are considered a sign of good luck. Seeing one on my small bedroom like this made me feel weird...

Date: 05.15.09

Cnr...

Dissapointment...

Today I went to a shopping mall with my cousin. We checked many cloth stores such as Mavi, Levis, LCW, quicksilver, billabong, etc... I had no intention of buying anything. I like to check everything and buy only the ones tht I really like. Same with clothes, books, glasses, electronics, etc... In one of the stores we saw a quicksilver short which was marvelous. I had no intention today but the moment I saw it I wanted it. He gave me a L size short. Me and my cousin both tried the L sized short. There was when the huge dissapointment hit me. I could tie the button but it was too tight. I asked for a larger size but the guy told me tht for tht short they don't have any XL size. I felt really bad since I wanted it so badly. On the countrary my cousin was luckier and the short looked good on him... For the first time i cursed at my fat ass... This diet will help me go back to where I really wanna be... I wont miss an aportunity next time... I stil want tht short but cant buy something tht i cannot wear...  

Date: 05.14.09

Cnr...

Mother's Day...

Today is May 10; mothers day. In the morning we had a lovely family brunch near the bay. That was fabulous. Weather was so clean, no clouds, soft wind, soft flower scent in the air... I felt a day from heaven... 2-3 hours enjoying the family gathering where we had 3 moms including mine. After the brunch we went to see my grandma... Had a great soup... Over-all it was a great day. I had the chance to reach V after so many different attempts. I felt very happy to hear her voice. The quality of the phone connection was very weak; bearly understood what she was saying and had to make her repeat many times to understand but stil it was better than nothing. Couldn't talked to her too much, she was busy and had no time for me. Tomm i will see the dietist for the second time and he will take some blood from me to see my blood glucose and other necessary stuff to decide on my daily diet. He said tht my normal kilo for my age, sex, and height is 75 kilos. I am now 95 kilos. I got 3 months to loose 20 kilos. Dietist said that i can easily loose tht if i obey his program carefully. I will do my best and go back to Canada 75 kilos; just like last year. Everyone will be so amazed to see me so thin... I am doing this just beacuse of health problems i can encounter soon... I really don't care how i look... I believe in inner beauty, therefore my outter appearance is not so important for me. I never cared too much what others thought about me. Therefore i found my own style and beliefs... I miss my baby geckos. I know tht they are in gud condition. I heard tht they are not eating properly. I am hoping tht they start eating normally soon. They need to get used to their new cage... I am learning how they are from my roomie on msn. This month i will ask him to send me some photos from msn so tht i can see their growth... I dreamed of getting these 2 female geckos for nearly 2 months. Getting a pet for my own for nearly my entire life. Independant from my family. I remember telling myself tht i will get a pet as soon as i have my own place. I kept my word and did get a pet after 2 days of having a place for my own. My dream pet was a dog or a cat. Never imagined a lizard would be my first pet... I cant afford caring a dog or a cat and pets are forbidden. I can never hide those. Caged animals are the only solution if u are forbidden to have any sort of pets... =) The only think that i am sorry is that i had to leave the country for 4 months after getting the 2 female geckos. I couldn't even stay for 24 hours after purchasing them. Took lots of photos but never the same thnig. Knowing tht someone is taking a good care is relaxing but i wanna see them... Those are not the only females tht i am missing to see... I am telling my parents tht i need to go back earlier this time so tht i can purchase furniture for my bedroom before the classes start. Not a lie... Tht is true... the exaggeration is the only thing, i say tht i need to be there 30 days at least to set my home and adabt to the place. I wanna see my geckos and not only geckos ofcourse...

Date: 05.10.09

Cnr...

...

tears... no reason...

Date: 05.07.09

Cnr...

Finally in my home country...

My last blog I have written is April 29th dated; today is May 6th. All this time I had no wireless from my laptop, I could access the internet through my mobile. On April 30th at 6:00pm we moved our boxes and other stuff to our newly rented three bedroom apartmant. We didnt sleep there that night since I had to check out from my residence 11:30am the next morning. After my check out is completely done we grabed a few things including the blankets we left to sleep with. On May 1st I had an appointment at 2:00pm to purchase the two crested geckos that I've put on hold earlier. After learning that they don't accept credit or debit I had to cancel the meeting to 2nd where I can get cash to pay them. It occured to be a smart idea since it turned out to be a long waste of time making the contract for the 1 bedroom apartmant for 2 months. The 3 bedroom one will come available after 2 months. After all the paper work is complete we decided to walk around the apartmant to see what stores we have around. We went to many different stores including convention stores, dollarama, chinese supermarket, indian supermarket and etc... We had our lunch in a pakistani restaurant. We ordered lamp meat each. The food was way more spicey than we expected and also way too hot to eat... The owner figured out we were having a hard time with it and brought us a different kind of sweet... After that we ate the lamp meat which was delicious. We  were tired and went back to our apartmant room. We had a complication as I anticipiated that it is gonna be a day without any trouble... impossible... so the problem was the key they had was a master key... they tried to change the door lock completely but failed to get the right one. They ended up giving us the master key instead until they got us an appropriate one. May 2nd we woke up around 12 and took the transit to the subway. Then from there we went to the warden station which was the one before the last stop. We got another transit and after 7 stops we ended up infront of the gecko breeders house. Quite a long way to scarborough... We stood there around two hours, we checked all the reptiles they had on display. They turned the living room into reptile display. I met my two beautiful ladies for the first time... Hehehe can say tht love at fiest sight... I hold them on my hand all the way back... So sweet, small and fragile... Probably first female that will not hurt me in return of all the love and time i am gonna spend to them... This way my heart will not seek for other matches to hurt myself =)=). Anyways after getting them we stopped in a chinese open buffet restaurant and ate a lot of food. When we came back to the roomi introduced the ladies with their new home which i created them one night earlier... Now i am kilometers away from there and i am hopping they are enjoying their home which i created with my love... My friend agreed to look after them until i return. May 3rd was a day of running for me. My flight was at 20:00 but i arranged my pickup from the apartmant at 5.45pm so that I wont be late even something unpleasant appears. That left me with quite a few time. I walked to square one and both few things including crickets, UV light bulb, cricket powder and a weight. Weight was the main reason why i went there. I would like to weight my bags in order to check that they don't exceed 23 kilos each. I went back with a cab since i had no time to enjoy the walk back. I just finished my final packing and weighed them. I had to carry my textbooks in my cabin pack all theway to here since they would make the weight heavier than 23kilos... The man came on time and i was in the airport at 6:10pm. I found my high school friend who educates in Western Ontario University... We flew all the way home together. We didn't arranged the flight dates... such a coincidence since he is the only highschool friend who is in Ontario... Another surprise was waiting us at the check in desk. The air canada representative told us that we are in waiting list since they overbooked 20 people and we had to be lucky to get this flight. Even though my ticket was bought nearly 6 months ago he told us that they can put us in waiting list since we are in economy class. If we are to get the other plane they will pay the hotel and additional 200 dolars for the trouble they caused. We happened to get the place luckly so nothing extra-ordinary happened. The flight was really boring since half the way the touch screen made problems... in 8 hours i could only watch to movies... When we came to Munich we had 2 hours and 30 minutes before our connecting flight. My parents came to the airport. I was really happy to see them after 4 months. I drived the car from the airport to my home. All my family gathered to say welcome to me that night... Only problem was i couldnt talked to V for so long due this... I will make it up to her though... Very pleasent day for me, I saw all my family and we were back together after the new year for the first time. 5th of May i just chilled and went to see a movie with my cousin. Now it is 6th 01:36am... next i dunno... hoping sweet things are to come...

Date: 05.06.09

Cnr...

One Sentence...

I want it to end...

Date: 04.29.09

Cnr...

CRESTIES...

Date: 04.28.09

Cnr...

Lies...

I am going through many different feelings lately... It is the end of the year and I have lots to do and only few days. Two major finals, moving into a new place, packing up, paying my tuition fee, etc... When there is too much to do and no time to do those things which are necessary in your life; you start getting squished under the heavy load. Then you start thinking about things you never would think in a normal daily life. Morals & ethics become questionable... Sometimes you have to lie in order to protect something bigger. Sometimes you have no choice but to protect yourself... The huge mistakes tht you've made. When tht time comes you are left with few or no options... You have to decide quickly, the decisions tht you are about to make might and most probably will haunt you down and hurt in one way or the other. When I am left with no option but to lie I feel sick in the stomach. Once you tell a lie, you have to make many more lies in order to protect your sin. If any how those lies reveal then you are doomed. You will loose all your trust and credits. Big lies comes with big consequences. You have to spend too much time and effort trying to create a lie and protect it. How far can you go like this. Something will feel terribly wrong deep inside. When your inner voice starts to haunt you, you will feel regret. Therefore once we are left with an option to tell a huge lie that can ruin our lives we have to consider all sides before taking an action. If we fail to calculate all possible consequences than we might end up suffering for what we've done.

There are other types of lies. These lies mean no harm or falsify anything. Only goal for these lies are to protect others or courage others. These are called white lies. These lies are used only to prevent the other person for feeling down and miserable. For instance you see your friend with new clothes, she seems very excited and eager to share it with you. When she asks how you found the new dress you might have to lie. You might find the dress very annoying and ugly but instead you tell her tht she looks very pretty in her new clothes. This lie means no harm but to protect the happiness of the girl. 

In this short period of time I had a chance to consider about lie... The reason for it is something which happened today. I had to make the decision once again. I am terribly sorry tht it was not a case whether or not to choose a white lie. I am not quite sure if I am to make tht lie. I have never felt so trapped in my life. Being hopeless makes humans do awful things. I have too much to loose if the lie reveals. If I choose not to lie than I will be in a severe situation where I am no longer trusted. God help me make the right decision... Everything in this life is for humans;  us. From every mistake we learn something very sacred. That lesson I gained today is a kind of lesson where you can never learn in a classroom. I am so scared of what is to come next... I hate to lie but sometimes I have no better option. Whatever happens next, I learned a very valuable lesson and will never put myself into this position again. If I choose to lie I hope I can forgive myself for this cruel sin. I will try my best to avoid making it...

Miracles do exist... They happen when you least expect them...

Maybe... maybe... maybe.......

Date: 04.27.09

Cnr...

...

...

Date: 04.25.09
Cnr...

Benim Hala Umudum Var...

benim hala umudum var
isyan etsem de istediğim kadar
inat etsem bile bırakmazlar sahibim var
benim hala umudum var
seviyorlar bazen soruyorlar
hayran hayran seyret
ister katıl ister vazgeç

güzel günler bizi bekler
eyvallah dersin olur biter
boyun büküp önünde ağlasam sessizce
şu garip gönlüm affolur mu?
bu fırtına durulur mu?
benden adam olur mu?
korkarım aşka zararım dokunur mu?

elvada sana yeter tamam
bitsin artık bu dram bu fotoroman
ham meyvayız hala
koparmışlar dalımızdan
güzel günler bizi bekler
eyvallah dersin geçer gider
bıraksam kendimi
şöyle oh ne rahat
bu da geçer gülüm
yaşamana bak
alınacak dersler var
sorulacak sorular
bu da geçer gülüm bizden bu kadar

Date: 04.24.09
Mazhar Alanson...

Craving for Change...

Change is really important in ones life. People can make mistakes; or even they don't they might wanna change something which they believe is not going on track. Change therefore is the only hope.

I feel that there are many things in my life that needs changing... Most probably I should re-born one morning. Starting a new page in my life. I wish one morning when I wake up I feel different... Put everything back on track...

Realising tht I am going back to darkness as each day passes, feelings which I hoped to dissapeared last year sometimes remind me tht they are still a part of me. Thts why I am craving for change... I dunno if I can do it alone... I don't even know if I can ever do it. Knowing my weak sides well, I am feeling scared. I know tht I can't resist anymore. I am hurting myself once again and going to darkness slowly. I have to change this or soon I will no longer be...

Date: 04.24.09
Cnr...

Nearly there...

All these times I've wanted some sort of pet other than turtle, fish, or bird. All my life I had one of those and they didn't last very long due to my mistakes. Other thing is I never had the chance to take them on my hand and love n play with them...

Birds - Probably the best three of all. You can tame them to stay on your sholder. You can grab them and gently rub their head. But thats all. They will quickly get bored and start biting you and fly away...

Turtles - Once you try to touch them or handle them they will get in their hard skin covering and no fun at all. Even when they are tame I see no other avantage in them. They move so slowly that you have to be very patient to observe them...

Fish - The worst of all three in my opinion. You can never handle a fish. Never play with them. They are only to observe. You have to clean their place often and make sure the water is well oxygenated...

• All three will die quickly if you are to forget them for few days; as a reward you get to clean their cage and feed them properly...

I am nearly there meaning after all these times I am so near to getting a pet other than these 3. A pet which I can hold and play... I am so close to getting a crested gecko... I already reserved mine in the webpage. Cute creatures are ON HOLD now on the available page. Completely in LOVE...

Date: 04.22.09

Cnr...

Sometimes...

Sometimes I have this feeling or maybe the thought... When I think on it for a while I realise that I am just dreaming... probably the impossible. I connect all the dots and they lead me to the inevitable. The solid thing is I am just making it all in my mind... related to reality?? So how come it is all in my mind... I guess it is all about my senses. I sense a lot of things from my surroundings. These may lead into huge misconceptions at times. Sometimes I find myself thinking hard without any solution to this late changes in me. All I know is when I am in that situation time passes quickly. I guess this summer which is so close now will help me settle down everything I fail to decide.


Sometimes I feel I am a stranger to myself. What I thought never would happen sometimes does... Sometimes the feelings I thought to have faded long ago seem to surface. To much to figure out.


Sometimes... Sometimes... Sometimes...

Date: 04.22.09
Cnr...

12 days left... count down soon =)=)...

I just realised that I have only 12 days left for my flight back. Feels weird a lot going back. It is not like the one in new years eve when I returned for the first time. I got used to it now. I can say that it is not as exciting as the first time. This time I am leaving for 4 months and have to do a lot before I get on that plane. The apartmant move in day is not certain yet. I need to make sure that I have a place to move my stuff on May 1st. They are kicking me off residence May 1st, 11:30 am... I got a lot of stuff to carry. Bad part is I haven't start packing up yet. I've got to study for my 2 finals coming up on 28th and 30th... How sweet... I've arranged a small van to help me transport mine and my friends stuff on date to the new place. The good part is I have only 9 days to finish up with my finals... Unfortunately same day to say bye to V... I guess we all will have a pleasant summer and be back ready to start a new academic year... New hopes, new goals and who knows maybe new loves...

Date: 04.21.09
Cnr...

HAYAT...

Hayat ne garip şey... Öyle de hızlı geçiyor ki... Kaçımız yaşarken hayattan keyif almayı başarabiliyoruz. Kaçımız yaşadığımız şu anın kıymetini biliyor ve ne olursa olsun aynısının olamayacağının farkında. Günde kaç kere kendimizi ve çevremizdekileri küçük ve saçma şeylerle kırıyor ve üzüyoruz. Açık havada derin bir nefes aldığımızda kaçımız haz duyabiliyoruz. Kısacası geçen bugünlere yazık oluyor.

Oysaki şu yaşantımızda bir durabilsek. Hayat asla durmaz, evet, ama sen bir dur. Hayat gene kendi bildiği gibi hırçın ve acımasız akar, gider. Onu durduramayız ama kendi yaşantımızda bir ara versek... Dursak ve baksak hayatımıza. Şu zor soruyu sorsak kendimize... Mutlu muyum? Kaçımız dürüstçe evet diyebilir... Kendimizi dinlemeyi öylesine unuttuk ki biz bu hayatta. Kendimizi nelere adadık. Para, iş, hırs... Ne zaman farkına varacağız o kazandığımız paraları keyfiyle değerlendirecek zamanımızın ve ruh halimizin kalmadığını. Herşeyi gerektiğince yapsak ve kendimize, hobilerimize zaman ayırsak; hem mutlu hemde hayatımızda çok daha başarılı olacağız, burası kesin... Bunun için diyorum ya durdurun şu yaşantınızı, ve sorun şu korkakça sakladığınız soruları... Kendinizle yüzleşin ki hayatla yüzleşebilesiniz...

Odamdayım, hala önümde uzun ve bilmeceli bir yol... Farkındalıkla keyifle ve dengeyle bir hayat yaşamak benim elimde... ya sizin???

Date: 04.20.09

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My Dream...

After so many months I've seen a very nice dream finally. It might be due to the fact that I am done with my BIO153 final and the next on is a week from now. Also yesterday I bought the cage that I was planning for so long.

In my dream I saw something related to a real memory of mine. In that memory I was probably around 9 years old. Me, my cousin and my grandfather was seating in the back living room of his house. He had his old, long rifle in his hand. He showed us the gun and told stories about the rifle. He told how he used to go on hunting animals when he was a small kid. Comicly by mistake once he fired the gun at home and blew a huge portion of the ceiling. =)=)=) Me and my cousin sat there next to him, listening his memories with the rifle. After he went me and my cousin discussed who will have the rifle. It was very funny that we argued on it as if he offered any of us. We were so small and had the influence of guns from TV or so that we really argued that time...

Coming to my dream last night... I have to accept that it is the most weird one I've ever recalled. First dream that continued from a real memory of mine. The place where the dream took place and the events were so amazingly clear... In my dream nothng supersticious happened. I was looking just the same and I was in my own room in the dream. I was handling the rifle. Although the rifle wasnt the same one from my memory. It was shining and brand new... I was holding the rifle with the knowledge that it belonged to my grandpa who passed away in 2003. I was really happy to have it. It wasnt a rifle for me, it was a peace of him, the person whom I loved as my father... Having a piece of something tht belonged to him honoured me at most. First time I felt emotions so vivid in a memory. And woke up smiling and crying slowly... First time a dream related to a real memory of mine from my past... so weird... so nice... coming to think about it all... I know as each day passes I am missing him more... time doesnt heal this time... I know sooner or later I will see him again, and be with him forever... I guess I am going to do a blog on my memories of my grandpa and I.

More than a month ago I changed my msn name to yak between two hearts. yak is the initials of my grandpa. I put him there inside my heart. Rest in peace YUSUF ARTUR KARACE...

Date: 04.19.09
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TO LOVE OR NOT TO LOVE, THAT IS THE QUESTION...

Date: 04.19.09
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1/2 is completed...

Recently I am planning to get a pet for myself. I want to have some sort of animal that can share my life. Probably first guesses will be dogs or cats but none of them. Since my contract doesn't allow me to have them I decided to get a cage pet. All my life I had birds, fish, turtles... Only common thing in all of them are that you can't hold and play with none of them... Maybe with birds but still thats not what is on my mind.



I figured out about geckos after searching for pet types. We don't have geckos as pets in my country. After doing many researches on them I understood that the best gecko that is suitable for me and my budget is the crested gecko. I've seen many videos on how to feed and take care for them to live healthly.



Today after my BIO153 final I went to square one with nothing on my mind. Then I saw the huge sale on the cage that I wanted to purchase for my crested gecko. So I did, had to take the cab to bring it but at least 1/2 of my aim is completed and all I need to do is find a year old female gecko... That will be on my 3rd from the reptile expo in mississauga... At 20.00 I have my flight back home... Seems nasty but that is the only possible way I can think of... Finally, trust me V you are gonna love it, just trust me...

Date: 04.18.09
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Contradictions...

When we have contradiction with our feelings... how do we know which one to choose. When the issue is feelings there is no definite true or wrong... All my life I helped my friends with their emotional contradictions. I never told them which one I believed is the right choice but I always tried to show them what might happen if they choose either of their chances... Everything is fine up to here...

The problem starts when I am the one who is having the emotional contradictions...

How am I supposed to know what to do???

I dunno... All I know is I can hurt myself and my friends if I choose a wrong one.

Maybe then I sacrifice both options...

or maybe I am not brave enough...

Many questions, contradictions, possibilities... --> no certain answer, no equation where I can apply....

Date: 04.18.09
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locked out again...

I dunno but for some reason my room lock hates me. I went out to my friends room close to mine and I left my phone and key inside...

when I came back I had a surprise waiting for me. The room somehow locked itself. Normally it shouldn't autolock itself but it did this time...

I had to ask someone to call the don on duty to open my door...

lovely isn't it...

Date: 04.17.09
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What is LOVE???...

Hmm, hard topic and varies from person to person... Every person have different observations on this sacred feeling. Mine is dunno, I guess a little weird then the general term you would find in a dictionary. It is without a doubt the most complicated feeling to describe and putting into words. I will try to do so in my point of view... As a university student I cannot say that I've lived long enough to conclude on this issue, there are still lots of things to observe and live. In time these things that I am writing today may change. I believe love is a feeling which has both positive sides and negative sides to it. In my point it is necessary to have in order to live your life full-filled. Without that weird feeling there would always be something missing. LOVE is a flower plant. If you take good care, give sufficient water, mineralls it needs then the plant will become marvelous; if you don't take care of it then it will fade and die very soon. LOVE is caring for someone, thinking for that person, sharing her best and also worst moments with her... All these make this feeling very sacred. In other words you share another life, therefore live two lives at once... How do I know whether or not I am in love??? by the effect a smile of her causes in my body. If the time stops, and I feel happy as if I am seeing the most marvelous, magnificent thing ever than I know I am in love. Hopefully that doesn't happen too often to me. Love in other point is belonging... Or I can say a sickness with no cure. Once you are in love with someone there is no logic in what you are doing or thinking. Your only purpose becomes to get the same care from her... If not it will become the impossible love... A heart which bleeds everytime something represents her in your daily life. Now I am not in love, one part of me is missing... I feel the absence of that part so much... All my memories thought me to be patient... maybe right person, my missing part will come to me, probably when I least expect it... I am wishing for that day to come soon and live my life crippled untill then...........

Date: 04.17.09

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Homeeee, 1st one...

I know it sounded as if I am posting daily but something very rare happened and I am extremely happy after so many months. One of the major problems that kept on bothering me recently got solved today. I called the owner of the apartmant and told her that my friend's parent who was supposed to be the cosigner went to a summer holiday and will not come back for few months. This was a white lie that I had to make in order to get the place. I don't like lies because once you lie you have to keep on making more lies to protect your own shame. We are humans capable of lyng and in some situations we have to lie. I guess this was one of these situations. If I hadn't lie than we would still be looking for a place to call home. On the phone we settled and agreed upon the conditions. After talking with my 2 other future rommies we went to make the contract. At first what I cared was getting a place no matter what. So we went to the apartmant on Dundas street and after long application we filled we went up to see the model rooms. The room was better than what we expected. Everything was so good that I thought I am dreaming and felt worried that I may wake up to realise it. We went to the office then paid the deposit fee and reserved are place for the 3 bedroom apartmant. I felt like a big responsibility lifted from my shoulders as I exited the place. What is really weird is I made a lot of research on the 3bedroom townhouse located in 3400 Credit Woodlands and was so sure we will get that place. After realising that it was not inclusive and we would probably get denied since our bank account and the jobs my friends possess are not sufficient enough to persuade the owners. So we ended up not getting the place. The big chaos was we needed a place in no time so that when I come next year I would not face a problem where I have to find a place to live. This place that we rented today, I had no idea what it was and how it would be living there. I only knew the few properties listed on the website... That is where the magic starts... On one side you have a well searched place and on the other hand you have a place where you know nothing about. So when we exited the apartmant happily having the contract made I started to realise we are living probably the best place in Mississauga. There are lots and lots of restaurants around the apartmant. There are 2 pharmacy stores that I saw. One dry cleaner where you can get your things sewed. Some small malls or centers. A dollarama shop. Western union store. KFC. These are all so near that I would not even consider a walking distance. There is where I guess the magic is. The place that I found was probably the best I could ever imagine. The possibility of me getting the contract there, I dunno the chance. The other thing was when I measured the time we spent to travel in mississauga transit it took only 12 mins to UTM. Another awesome fact... Despite all these we finally have a place to call home and most important of all a place where we can call ours... First one... Where we are to decorate completely... Where we are independent from our parents to decide what to get... All these make me so happy and at the same time excited... I feel so positive about this... A home, my home... I feel like I am flyng with the clouds...

Date: 04.17.09
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hehehe...

Played with the features, layouts and templates...

Funny, getting used to the site

Bad side is takes time like facebook... whatever...

Good side is hmm... gotta find out and look for tht I guess...,

Date: 04.16.09
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My first Blog...

Hi,

I've recetly found out about this blogger site through someone who is really important to me. I liked the overall idea of the site so I decided to keep one for myself. Since it is the first blog I have ever written in my life I am not quite sure how this site will become/shape in the future. I guess it will be an online diary. I will not keep a daily track on what happened but only write important things or important feelings. Writing down feelings really helps you to see your situation. I've kept a diary before and when I read through it again I had a better chance of seing the big picture. Therefore I will try to write what comes to my mind. Soon, when I write all the good/bad things that happened in my life it will become a glimpse of my life. I am looking forward to start using this page...

Date: 04.16.09 Thursday
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